Awake is the New Sleep

See the World Hanging Upside Down

2011-10-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

Working working, always working. I miss traveling and school, but the world is not a place where such things are free.

While I can't travel too far off the beaten path, for Thanksgiving, Peter and I escaped to Belvedere -- the proverbial Eden of my childhood.

Located close to Ellicottville, NY, Belvedere is a quiet patch of land owned by my grandparents. For as long as I can remember, Belvedere has been at the forefront of my list of favourite places in the world.

Belvedere's beautiful pond

Going up the ski hill!

The breath-taking view

We found awesome hats!

As for schooling, while my formal education is taking a hiatus, I am not missing out on my favourite type of education; books that change your life. My top three picks of the books I read this past month are as follows:

3. Girl With Curious Hair (David Foster Wallace)

On the stripped bed- neatly littered with papers and cards, my notecards, a decade of stenography to Lyndon- lay my lover, curled stiff on his side, a frozen skeleton X ray, impossibly thin, fuzzily bearded, his hand outstretched with dulled nails to cover, partly, the white face attached to the long form below the tight clean sheets, motionless, the bed flanked by two Servicemen who slumped, tired, red, green.

2. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Haruki Murakami)

Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person's essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?

1. The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)

The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body.The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?

Winding Down the Seasons

2011-09-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

Dwarf-Winged Burning Bush in autumn.

Autumn is my favourite season. I love the collective slowing down of the world. I love the scent of the leaves as they go dormant. I can't get enough of the hues of the season; the crisp apple reds, the spicy pumpkin oranges, the deep mahogany browns... breathtaking. The cooler winds and the early evenings, the quiet of the dark, early morning mist and the softness of the longer nights; I adore this season!

Spirea Goldflame, common but lovely

For the first time in 21 years, Autumn is not, for me, associated with returning to studies. I am still working at Connon's, and still enjoying the change of pace. It's fascinating to watch various types of plants enter their stage of dormancy. Euonymous Alatus begin to 'burn', Spirea Goldflames begin to pass the Goldmounds in beauty, and the Caryopteris Jasons finally wow me with their blossoms.

Sunshine Blue, worth the wait!

Part of me misses the lifestyle of a student. All of me misses the adventure of traveling. But luckily, I am able to see the adventure inherent to these changes in my life. I have entered a third phase of the self, one which feels to be the most in-touch with who I truly am, and discovering the self this year is going to be an unprecedented journey in my Year of Discovery.

This fall, besides spending time with my fantastic boyfriend, my incredible friends and my crazy family, I am also enjoying (a) reading through Chapters' List of Books that Will Change Your Life (titles such as Murakami's The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and Heller's Catch-22 have already been transforming my everyday thoughts), (b) wearing a lot of plaid at work and feeling particularly Canadian, and (c) the return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.

Cheers to Autumn!

We Frolicked About in our Summer Skin

2011-08-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

This seems to happen every summer; getting all caught up in the adventures of this wonderful season, I forget to update my blog.

Brief life updates include an upcoming promotion at work, a new man, a great new-found group of friends at work, and a trip through northern Ontario and Quebec.

Northern Ontario is something to behold. Canada is already, in my mind, a raw and untouched land. We Canadians have a connection to the earth unlike most other citizens of the world. The most beautiful things I have seen in my 21 years are scattered throughout the world, are both tangible and theoretical, are confusing and intriguing, and are melancholic and delightful... one of these things is the northern township of Temagami. Below are some quick shots of this beautiful place.

Living Off the Alcohol

2011-07-12T17:47:00.000-07:00

My life seems to consist solely of vices lately.

Wake up before the sun has risen, chase with coffee.
Have a few cigarettes on the drive to work.
After picking up the work van, have a few smokes and another coffee with the yard boys.
Drive to Mac farm and work ten hours.
Cigarette and coffee, cigarette and lunch, cigarette and coca-cola.
Drive to the yard, drop off the van, chase with a Red Bull.
Have a few smokes on the drive home.
Beers and cigarettes until the night has become the morning.
Sleep an hour or two, get up, repeat.

Luckily, I am not alone in this cycle. Thanks to Bestfriend for living off our vices with me.

Credo

2011-06-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

I believe we were created. The more I see on this planet, the more I see evidence of an intelligent design. Working with plants, I am constantly and consistently amazed by the diversity, the grace, and the beauty of the natural world.

I believe we were created to live on this Earth. I can't stand the mindset of 'we are on earth for a time; our citizenship is truly in heaven' for one more second. We were created to live. I love living. The act of living, and truly being engaged in life is the most fantastic feeling. Life is beautiful; Carpe Diem.

I believe that love trumps everything. There is nothing else in life that we should seek before it. Love is fascinating, terrifying, weakening, strengthening, beautiful and terrible all at the same time. We were made to love, in any and every form imaginable.

I believe in the simple act of believing. I think that no human can live out a satisfying existence without discerning that in which they place their faith. It may be a simple belief that man is inherently good, or a more complicated manifesto of political and religious beliefs. Be that as it may, man needs to believe.

I believe that death is what gives value to life. If life were unthreatenable and never-ending, we would have no reason to seize it and live in it actively.

Finally, I believe in God. But not in the God that you are thinking. I believe that there exists Something or Someone out there who has created us. But I can certainly no longer call myself a Christian, and I am certainly not going to attend any more hypocritical, corrupt, money-grabbing churches or schools. I am not going to let some governing 'authority' tell me what is wrong and right, when they have historically condoned slavery and condemned women. And I am no longer going to attempt to fit in to a community of lies and hatred.

I understand all of this is quite blunt and potentially shocking, but I felt the need to get it out there. I don't want a to maintain the facade I had been maintaining before. I live unapologetically, and I want you to all know at least the gist of who I am and what I believe. I don't want to start internet wars here, so I may not approve many comments on this post, If you simply need to engage me in a debate, email me.

Just Wanted to Know If I Could Go Home

2011-06-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my ultimate failure to update lately!

My life has been insane as of late. Here are some brief updates.

I went to England for my last weekend of backpacking, to meet up with the boys from Vienna. I can summarize the trip in one photo:

Camdentown, hookah, 4 miserable Jews and myself.

And one video:

After that, I was back in Paris for a few hours; enough to empty my studio entirely, and spend a night in debauchery and tears of goodbye with the beautiful people I met there

Table one

Table two

Saying goodbye is hard. It's especially hard if you are uncertain whether you'll ever see some of these people again.

But goodbyes are beautiful, too. Because in the same way that death is what gives value to life, goodbyes are what give value to hellos.

With any luck, I'll be backpacking again Easter of 2012. That is, assuming the world hasn't ended.

Definitely going to miss this crowd

	Meanwhile, I've been lucky enough to meet the best people I could have ever imagined possible to meet. And I get to share so much joy and enlightenment with my friends back home for a little while.
The future doctors <3

Massive shoutouts to the people who made this trip a wonderful experience. Above all: Lynette Van de Hoef, Rachel Stevenson, April Larochelle, Martha Maris, Maria Noorloos, Jemima Dickinson, Larissa Gare, Gemma King, Christina Ammon, Nicolas Sanchez, Bram Van Beek, Paula Molz, James Lloyd, Hayden Lawn, Remi Piriou, Kara Abernethy, Liz Rosenberg, Darren Helstowski, Aidan Kenny and Liam Kerry. I've never been happier than in the company of any of those people.

Shoutouts also to the best of friends ever, and especially those who kept in touch with me from back home: Amber Lepine, Adrian Vander Vaart, Jill Van Ryn, Amber Burns, Jess Crandall, Elle Rombough, Amanda Fraleigh, Rich Oosterloo, Natalie Campbell, Chad Haverkamp, Dan Kikkert and Austin Miedema.

Some congrats are also due! Upon my return, I was in a wedding for one of my dearest friends. Congrats to Elle and Lael and many, many blessings. Nathan and Janelle, some of my favourite people ever, also tied the knot this May, the day after James and Katie, some of my oldest friends. Congrats to all three beautiful couples!

James and Katie

Nate and Janelle

Elle and Lael

Those are essentially all of my life updates for now. I've moved into my fantastic new apartment in Hamilton, am working off the debts that I acquired this year, and am planning to take a year off to work (and travel, of course) before returning to Europe to complete the PhD.

Stay tuned!

So Irritating

2011-05-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

In the past two days I have watched two crimes happen to my friends, one was only attempted and the other was sadly successful. Even though I've posted general tips for travelers, I thought perhaps I should post ways to avoid specific crimes.

Crime Number One: Ring Trickers
This is more common and successful than you think. Generally, a Romani woman (for simplicity's sake I'm going to use the term 'gypsy' henceforth) stands in a tourist place waiting for ladies to pass by. When they do, she drops a ring and then "finds it" for you. After that, several things can happen. Often, she will simply rob you while you look at. Other times, she will offer it to you as a gift and then try to charge you for it.
Best avoidance technique: This one's hard, because you'll be caught off-guard. I have a very nice diamond ring, and the first time I saw this I asked myself "was I wearing that ring today?". Ignoring simply won't happen; it's too unnatural. Most likely she will be quick enough to at least show you the ring. My best avoidance maneuver has been to knock the ring out of her hands and run.

Crime Number Two: Petition Wavers
This one gets really annoying. In the span of five minutes I've been approached three or more times on several occasions. Essentially, younger gypsy girls approach you with a petition to sign. You can tell them apart because rather than ask for a moment of your time, they simply stick the clipboard under your face and wave the pen close to your eyes. Two known consequences of this crime are either (a) they manage to pickpocket you while you're trying to see what you're signing, and (b) you unknowingly sign it and it turns out to be a contract stating you'll pay them $___.
Best avoidance technique: It's been fairly easy to simply run away from these girls, but on a few occasions they've followed me and gotten forceful. In that case, my best technique has been grabbing the pen out of her hand and throwing it behind me (the most successful escape was when I did that while simultaneously knocking her clipboard to the ground).

Crime Number Three: Cash-Machine Creepers
Yesterday's failed crime was at an ATM. My friend and I were headed to a cafe to study for exams, and she needed to take out some money before going. I saw two suspicious-looking gypsy kids approaching from behind, and even though we were bigger than them, aware of what they were doing, and in the midst of cancelling the transaction for protection, they still attempted this. Essentially, these kids wait until you've punched in your pin, and then use all force possible to take your money as it comes out. Yesterday they tried hitting my friend in the face with a newspaper, and we were fortunate that was all the force they tried. I've heard horror stories of much, much worse.
Best avoidance technique: Even though we would have won a fist-fight, I can honestly say that even I couldn't simply hit a child. That's why most of these kids succeed. Try your best just to avoid the situation all together: don't take out cash alone, be attentive to them if they look like they're going to approach, and hit cancel immediately if they do come up to you. If the worst happens, your best measure here is to yell for help and hang on to your cash for dear life. We yelled for help yesterday and a lovely older gentleman pushed the kids off of us.

Crime Number Four: Bracelet Makers
Another surprisingly successful scam. I've found that these men are often not Romanis, but of French-African descent. They usually work in groups and are centered around areas from where tourists take pictures. They find any sort of way to reach your hand (asking you to point to something, asking you to see your hand, simply grabbing it... if you're caught off-guard nearly anything will work) and in less than a few seconds, they've made a string bracelet around your wrist. Then they tell you that you've purchased it and owe them $___.
Best avoidance technique: Saying no doesn't work. Walking away doesn't work. These men are persistent and often violent. If you see men holding string coming towards you, run away. If, however, he manages to catch you in his trap, get angry and scream at him. Rip off the bracelet, cause a scene; show him that you, too, are violent, and that you have the law (and all surrounding citizens) on your side. It seems like it will just escalate the situation, but these guys get enough people out of fear and persistence that they're not going to deal with a crazy person. It worked for me in Paris.

Crime Number Five: Map Questers
Having spent a lot of my life being a tourist, this crime enrages me. I have legitimately been lost and needed help before, and so I always help people when they ask for it. In this trick, someone approaches you and asks for directions. Sometimes, it's not a trick. Sometimes, they steal from you and run while you're left standing and pointing out the corner they need to turn at.
Best avoidance technique: Seriously, as a plea on behalf of people like me who tour a lot and are bad with maps, answer people on the street who need help. That being said, never ever ever help someone without first taking a strong hold of your bag. It takes a bit of training, but this should become your second-nature.

Crime Number Six: Table Approaches
Today's successful crime really blew me away. I was eating lunch with a group of five other girls, all of whom you would call world travelers and big-city girls (Melbourne, Cologne, San Fransisco, New York, Toronto and Ottawa). And yet, even though we knew what was happening, our reaction time was too slow and one of my friends lost her iPhone to two gypsy girls. I still cannot believe it. These people come up to you while you're eating and distract you in some way. They work in teams and use a paper or something to block your view of whatever they're taking. Today, we launched towards the purses and kept them safe, without realizing the iPhone was on the table under their blank blue pages.
Best avoidance technique: Besides being generally aware of where your stuff is, the best maneuver here is to rip the papers out of their hands and yell. The owner of the restaurant will come and will probably help you if they managed to get anything, and by grabbing the papers you'll throw them off-guard as well.

Crime Number Seven: Item Borrowers?
Do you have a cigarette? Lighter? Tissue? Euro? I've heard them all.
Best avoidance technique: Say no. Don't be polite, don't be kind and don't ever open your bag. Hold tight to your position and get loud if you need to.

I know some of these seem mean or over-dramatic, but it's often what it takes. You'd be surprised how persistent and even violent some of these criminals can be. It's hard, but don't forget that they are committing a crime. Not to mention that -- assuming you're in my financial position of school debts -- they likely have more money than you do! Don't let pity get in the way of keeping yourself safe. Life can be tough for these kids, but life's not easy for anyone and it's not impolite to keep your own stuff safe from crime.

You Start Missing Everybody

2011-05-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am too honest on here sometimes. Today I'm allowed to be a little cryptic.

MGMT -- Fated to pretend

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw
I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music make some money
find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin
and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine
and the elegant cars.

This is our decision to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and wake up
for the morning commute?

Forget about our mothers and our friends.
We're fated to pretend.
To pretend
We're fated to pretend.
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals
and digging up worms.
I'll miss the comfort of my mother
and the weight of the world.

I'll miss my sister, miss my father,
miss my dog and my home.
Yeah I'll miss the boredom and the freedom
and the time spent alone.

But there is really nothing, nothing we can do.
Love must be forgotten.
Life can always start up anew.

The models will have children, we'll get a divorce,
we'll find some more models,
Everything must run its course.

We'll choke on our vomit
and that will be the end.
We were fated to pretend.
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
I said Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do you start missing everybody."
JD Salinger (Catcher in the Rye)

Is the Hole You Dig Deep Enough at All?

2011-05-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

I like people who smoke, drink and curse. I like coffee addicts and pill-takers. I like those who can't fit in and gave up trying. These people wear their vices on their sleeves; what you see is truly what you get. There is never any disillusionment when you encounter the "real them". I like the rejects of society; the strange groups of people who roll their own cigarettes, brew their own drinks, write their own songs and learn from their own mistakes.

It Sounds Like Someplace I'd Like to Go

2011-05-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

Before I began my female solo backpacking travels, I tried to look up some tips on what to expect. (It's a scary world for a young lady traveling alone in a strange place!). I wanted to find some previous female travelers who had traveled alone and who had some good advice. My search was widely unsuccessful. Perhaps females are less likely to travel alone, but I hope to see more embracing this in the future -- it really helps you grow and it's just an awesome experience. Of the 14 (soon to be 15) countries I visited this trip, only two of them were with other people. And I managed to stay safe the entire time besides a near-robbery in Amsterdam. So I would like to offer the tips I've collected these past 8 months.

1. Stay in mixed dorms.
Say what? Yes, I really do mean this one. Why? I have several reasons! Firstly, girls tend to travel in groups, whereas boys tend to travel alone. If you stay in a mixed dorm, you'll have a higher chance of making a single-serving friend who will accompany you for a while. And to be wholly honest, nothing bad happens between fellow travelers. It's some sort of mutual dependence and acknowledgment of loneliness and fear, and it's a beautiful relationship, I assure you.

2. Don't sleep on trains.
This also seems like an odd tip, as it is quite efficient to travel and sleep at the same time; it leaves you more time in a city to "see the sights". But this really can be dangerous! You can sleep through your stop. Or you could awaken to find your bag stolen. Least likely, but most frighteningly, you could be harmed in any number of ways. Just don't risk it. Besides, hostels are fantastic.

3. Be careful with alcohol.
This seems like a simple rule, but I also really want to encourage you to enjoy the nightlife of a city (cities are so different between the day and the night -- you really need to experience both!). So simply seek a balance. If you find yourself entirely alone, limit your alcohol intake to one or two. If you are with a single-serving friend, however, you can let loose a little bit. Understand that this takes a bit of mutual trust and it can be scary to put your faith in others, but I enjoyed Berlin and Bratislava so much simply because I was able to let loose and dance with some amazing guys I had met in each city. I trusted them 100%, and in both cases everything was perfectly fine. That all being said, I caution you to nonetheless know your limits and stick to them. Mutual trust and understanding or not, no traveler wants to drag you back to your hostel if you're getting sick or you're unconscious. It ruins the night for everyone.

4. Don't put all your money in your wallet.
Some people feel it's a good idea to carry only one wallet to which you will cling with your dear life. I, however, feel the opposite. I carry a small burlap sac and in there I place the majority of my cash. It sits in the bottom of my big backpack. In my handbag I only carry a wallet with a few bills (usually what I have planned to spend that day). Why? If someone took either bag, I would be upset. However, this way, I have enough in case of either bag being stolen.

5. Look tough.
I know this can be difficult if you don't look tough naturally. I am lucky to be relatively tall (except in the Netherlands!) and relatively... stocky... I manage to look relatively threatening if need be. If you are short, thin and blonde, this may be difficult. But try your best, especially if you feel threatened. Put on your "walking face", set a quick and assured pace and make everyone believe you have been traveling solo since birth.

6. Learn English.
Admittedly, since I am writing in English, I can assume this one is already mastered. But I really do believe that mastering English is more important than learning pieces of the language in each country through which you might pass. It's really tough to learn 15 (or more) languages, and you likely won't succeed. So instead, learn what you can for some countries, (I've found French, German and Spanish to be the three most helpful) and then embrace the use of English in the rest. It really is the traveler's language right now. If you happen to have the gift for learning languages, try to pick up 'please', 'thanks', and 'hello' in every place you visit; you'll make the world a little brighter.

7. Write it down.
7(a): get a journal and use it daily. Contrary to popular belief, you actually will forget a lot of this experience.
7(b): write down your addresses, train station names, hostel names... anything to which you may need directions should be written down. This way, you can show it to people instead of trying to pronounce it with an assuredly horrific accent.

8. Don't take cabs.
I adored Central-Eastern Europe. But my greeting to Budapest was terrible: a 48€ cab ride that lasted less than 5 minutes. (This was exceptional. After wandering for a few hours I realized I wasn't going to find my hostel. I tried to question the man's abuse, but he refused to cede, and I walked away knowing full-well this would cost me a meal or two down the road). Financially they are a poor choice, and sometimes they give you a terrible prejudice of the city. Just don't take a cab.

9. Embrace the corners.
Need to snap a picture? Step into a corner. Need to look at the map? Back into a corner. Need to tie your shoe? Lean into the corner. Waiting for someone? Worried about theft? Feeling tired? It's impolite to take up the whole sidewalk, and it's safer to have your back against a wall than out in the open, especially if your attention is focused elsewhere.

10. Be able to run.
Here we arrive at the worst-case scenarios. In Amsterdam, I had to chase a thief through the whole of Centraal Station to rescue my wallet, computer power cord and camera. I am not a big runner, but having frequented the Parc Monceau just prior to that trip, my fitness level was able to hold out just longer than his. Chasing thieves, running away from creepy people, or even trying to get a train before it pulls away... you will be glad for even the slightest hint of training beforehand.

Happy adventuring, ladies! I hope to see more of you out and about on the road when I head up to the United Kingdom!

Change For You

2011-04-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going to attempt to do the impossible here. I'm going to try and sum up my most recent backpacking adventure; Easter in Eastern-Central Europe.

The outskirts of Dresden, Germany.

My adventure began in Germany. I have been through Germany several times now, and I can honestly say it is my favourite country that I've visited. The highlights of my passage through Germany include my single-serving friends Paula and John and hitch-hiking along the gorge from Dresden to Deciv (Czech Republic).

Hiking along in Deciv

A rarely seen view of Prague

After my epic adventure, I eventually arrived in Prague. I adored this city because of its incredible views and sights. I felt very welcomed by the Czech people, even though I can't say a bloody thing in their language, and I received smiles everywhere I went. The currency currently used in the Czech Republic, the Czech Crown, is 1/26th of a Euro, and I didn't make a single purchase that was more than 100 Kc. Not to mention that some really excellent beers have come out of this country, and that they are sold in a grocery store for 15-20 Kc per bottle (which is a half-litre). Absolutely fantastic!

I next headed to Slovakia. When I told people I was going there, most of them just asked "why??", and I started to regret the idea of going there. But Bratislava was awesome!

Bratislava -- the view from the top

I met some of the coolest people there, enjoyed the small-town feel (imagine finding that in a capital city!), and found myself partying with locals instead of with other tourists.

The city and the Danube

Rémi and I atop the mountain in Budapest

After Slovakia, I took a train into Hungary's nearby capital, Budapest, on the advice of a classmate, Christina. Besides being constantly confused by the exchange rate, I loved Budapest through and through. I met up with Rémi (a travel buddy from Bratislava) again, and we took it slowly in this city. We enjoyed long breakfasts, taking our time in cafés, reading Baudelaire in the parks and seeing the many lovely buildings on both sides of this geographically-divided city. On my last night in the city, we met up with an American girl, Kara, who was on vacation from her studies in Spain. Together we went out on the town, stumbled across a karaoke bar, and spent the evening singing every ridiculous song we could in both English and Hungarian.

The famous Chain Bridge sparkling at night

Aidan, Liam and I in Vienna

My last stop this time around was Austria. I was pretty worn out and not looking forward to the awkward process of making friends again, but I really lucked out in Vienna. I met some of the most interesting and unique people possible, two of whom are officially my favourite single-serving friends to date. If you ever have the chance to travel with these boys do it. Together we took on the city of Vienna, seeing the "sights", frightening tourists, officiating a marriage ceremony and generally causing a ruckus.

One of Vienna's many "sights"

After an uneventful train ride back to Paris, I've fallen back into my normal routine of coffee-thesis-coffee-thesis.

Seminary Soul

2011-04-25T02:25:00.000-07:00

True Confession #5: I think Jean-Jacques Rousseau was uninformed, sexist and stupid. I think his writings were useless and I hate when he is idealized as some sort of "politician" or "philosopher" or "curriculum developer".

It feels good to have that out there. I really really dislike him.

In recent news: I am almost at the end of my backpacking adventure. I don't think there is enough money left to leave Paris again, and since I return to Canada in just over a month, I may just stay in France. We'll see. Reflections on this ridiculously awesome trip and travel tips coming soon.

Beer for Breakfast

2011-04-22T00:37:00.000-07:00

I am, in fact, Canadian, and therefore have a love affair with beer. Last summer there was little that I enjoyed more than sitting on Adrian's porch late into the summer evening, fighting off the mosquitoes and polishing off the last of a two-four. Or celebrating with Amber after a long week of pruning and weed-whacking. Or bringing case after case out of the cars upon our arrival for camping.

In Canada, it is not hard for me to list my favourite beer; it has been the same one since high school and likely won't change.

Mill Street Organic. Locally brewed, in Toronto, and the smoothest, most refreshing summer taste known to man. And, in the words of best-friend-Jess: “You would drink an organic beer”.

However, my time in Europe has convinced me that there are even more awesome beers out there. And whether you're a close friend of mine awaiting our trip down to Chester's to find these beers, or a stranger heading out on a trip around Europe, these are the beers you should check out, the ten best of my Euro-trip:

Kronenberg – France. I will truly miss this beer when I return. It's very similar to Mill Street Organic in taste, and smooth enough that my friends who don't like beer also enjoyed it! Santé!
Grolsch – Netherlands. You will note that Heineken didn't make the list. I don't like Heineken. I did, however, really enjoy Grolsch. It has a fresher taste than Heineken, and I saw more Dutch people drinking it and less tourists. Best kept secret perhaps? Gezondheid!
Beck's – Germany. I enjoyed this beer so much that I raced to write it down. It was introduced to me by the two Australian boys I met in Berlin, who had purchased a case the night before. It's a crisp-tasting and mellow pilsner, and would be best consumed in the middle of the summer. Prost!
Struis – Netherlands. The darkest beer to appear on my list, this is a 9% brew that I tried in Amsterdam. Although I usually prefer lighter beers, I would drink this one over and over again. As hearty as a dish of stamppot, and as dark as I take my coffee. And it's not pronounced the way you're thinking, I assure you, so good luck ordering it! Proost!
Krušovice – Czech Republic. There's no surprise that a Czech beer made my list, since they are the biggest beer consumers in the world. Most tourists head to Prague and seek out a Pilsner Urquell, but I really recommend this one instead. It's a 5% beer with a pretty dry taste and only feels mildly carbonated. Na zdraví!
Krombacher – Germany. I don't think I'm alone in proclaiming the greatness of this beer. I had it on my hitch-hiking adventure from Dresden to Dečiv (Czech), offered to me by a fellow traveler out of his backpack. For me, this beer will always taste like mountains, rivers, adventures and fun, but if you want something more specific, I would say it's quite bitter and spicy with a very dry taste and an aftertaste that lasts forever. Prost!
Grottenbier – Belgium. I tried this beer on second time passing through Brussels. It tastes like Springtime. At 7%, it's lighter-tasting than you would expect. The taste is hard to describe, besides employing the word 'unique'. I'll try: the taste is fairly dry, but there are unexpected flavours of dark fruits and herbs and the aftertaste is very sweet. Op uw gezondheid!
Mahou – Spain. Purchased for me at a nightclub, I tasted this little guy and immediately called it an atrocidad. But then I went to a tiny Casa de Tapas and tried it there, and I want to formally defend the reputation of this poor beer. It's light, it's soft, it's sweet and it has no aftertaste. Sounds horrible? Try it with food instead of at a nightclub. The best complimenting beer I've ever tasted! Salud!
Zlatý Bažant – Slovakia. My number one tip here is to not try to keep up with the Slovaks, who drink like they don't want to live. But if you have the chance to go to Bratislava, go out on a Friday and drink as many pints of this beer as you can handle. I was told by one Slovak that the beer was 5%, and by another that it was 12%. Judging by the taste, I'd guess 5%, but judging by our Friday night in Bratislava, I'd guess 12%. It has a pretty full taste, no bitterness to mention (but no fruitiness either) and no real aftertaste. Na zdravie!
Brauhaus Nussdorf – Austria. A local brew, and I'm told it's found only at certain bars. My advice is to seek it out! It's quite pure tasting, and had very little aftertaste. It wasn't bitter, but it wasn't sweet either. It was a crsip, clean “beer” taste all the way through. Zum Wohl!

Enjoy!

It’s Times Like These You Learn to Live Again

2011-04-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

Writing is liberating. Writing is informative. Writing is creative. Writing is beautiful.

I love to write. Not just on my blog; I promise you I have deeper thoughts than the value of celery. I love to write poems, awful though they may be. I love to write in my journal, not simply by recounting the events of the day, but also by wrestling through my deepest thoughts and worries.

"Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us."
-Don Delillo

Without my journal, I would never remember the discoveries I have made this year. Without my journal, I would probably never be able to keep calm on the outside when I'm really terrified, nervous, anxious or upset. My journal allows me to set goals and track their progress, to confess my errors and to confront my darkness. I call it my "confession to no one", and write it in all of my languages to ensure that it remains forever my own.

There is no gift I've enjoyed receiving more than my various journals. I think there is something so poignant about the gift of a set of thick papers, bound with a carefully planned design to set apart this journal from any other. The pages are blank and are begging to be filled.

Travling Bratislava, I met a young man named Rémi. We talked about the beauty of a journal. He recalled the very first journal he ever received, and says that to this day he can picture it where it was sitting, waiting to be opened.

Why is it so powerful of a gift? To me, the blank pages waiting to be filled are a metaphor for life. Each one is waiting to be filled and only you can do so. And later, when you look back on those pages, only you will remember the feelings, just like reminiscing about your history.

True Confession #4: I honestly just think Cézanne sucked at painting, not that he was a creative pioneer.

PS: This is my 100th blog post!

Please leave a light on for me.

2011-04-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

True confession #3: I have Siderodromophobia...

Ok, not so much the cartoon ones.

...but I'm working on it!

On the way to the Czech Republic.

La Vie Boheme

2011-04-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

True Confession #2: I actually really like seagulls and pigeons.

Can I Hold You?

2011-03-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you try to use the Wi-Fi and it just isn't working, but if you plug in it works fine? I'm really hoping going home is like plugging in.

But if you handed me a plane ticket home right now I wouldn't take it. I have no reason to.

Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
-- Sara Bareilles

This trip started out with so much pain and separation and isolation. I had to look for the upsides to everything and it was such a struggle. Traveling was my greatest upside.

My bike and I having a picnic in Amsterdam

The more I set out with my bike, backpack and tickets, the more I realize I can't go home. Traveling has changed me. Seeing other sides of my friends has changed me. Realizing what friendship is has changed me. Discovering has changed me.

Le mode bouge, le monde change [...] et si bien qu'il semble que nous cessons d'être ce que nous étions, qu'au vrai nous ne sommes plus ce que nous étions, et que déjà nous n'étions plus exactement nous-mêmes dans le moment où ces prodiges s'accomplissaient sous nos yeux.
-- Camara Layé

I miss people. Some more than others, and some so much that it aches. But this year has changed a lot. Many of my jadis friends are no longer. Many of my friends and I have simply fallen out of contact. Many of my friends' lives are changing and I am not there for the change. When I return, I'm likely to not fit the way I used to in this group. There are new significant others, there are marriages and there are break-ups between lovers and friends alike.

I don't keep many friendships for long. Give someone enough time, and everyone gives you a reason to hate them. That's why traveling is so appealing; you are friends for only a day, a weekend, a week. It's a brief encounter to take away the sting of loneliness. Drop me back into my previous life and I may not even have those brief enounters.

I don't want to go home, but I don't want to be here. I want to run away, hide, get lost, disappear.

That's what's on my mind.

True confession: I sing and dance in the shower.

Speak to Me.

2011-03-16T04:28:00.000-07:00

How do I love my languages? Let me count the ways.
I love them on my very worst and very best of days.

Español: Ah, sí. La primera lengua de tomar posesión de mi corazón. No hay otra que fluye tan bien, que canta tan dulcemente, y no hay otra que puede hacer cualquier frace suena como una historia de amor. Los acentos son tan numerosos como las estrellas, y la jerga va me desconcertar hasta el día de mi muerte.
Spanish: Ah, yes. The first language to seize my heart. There is no other which flows so well, which sings so sweetly, and no other which can make every sentence sound like a love story. The accents are as numerous as the stars, and the slang will baffle me until my dying day.

Français: Après quatorze années d'apprentissage du français, je me trouve surprise chaque jour par ce langage. Il n'y a aucune autre langue avec cette diversité de mots. Montrez-moi deux mots dans cette langue que vous croyez avoir le même sens, je vous montrerai une nuance. C'est possible que le 'ne' facultatif m'échappe pour toujours ; que mon accent canadien-français me révèle toujours aux Parisiens ; que je ne maîtrise jamais les genres des mots, mais je ne renoncerai jamais à mes études de cette langue.
French: After fourteen years of learning French, I am still surprised daily by the language. There is no other language that has the same diversity of words. Show me two words in this language that you believe to have the same meaning; I will show you a nuance. Perhaps the expletive 'ne' will always escape me; perhaps my French-Canadian accent will always give me away to Parisians; perhaps I will never master the gender of the words, but I will never give up in my studies of this language.

English: This beautiful language has taken a lot of flack recently. Many people think it is ugly, or "infecting" other languages, or taking over, or too difficult to master. I see another side to things: it is adding new words to the world, allowing many people to communicate all over the world (many of whom would otherwise never have been able to do so), and it is beautiful. There is no language nearly as palpable as English. Every noun can be made a verb, every verb can be made an adjective, and even if, grammatically speaking, these manipulations are incorrect, people will understand you. While English may be difficult to learn, it is a forgiving language, and it is challenge even to native speakers to master the grammar.

[Ayisyen] Kreyòl: Kreyòl se yon lang pwoteksyon. Li pèmèt ou kache oumenm nan mond la - moun ki pa gen pou wè oswa santi sa ou gen - ak nan di tout sa ou vle di. Bèl nan senplisite li yo ak senp nan bèlte li, lang sa ap toujou rale kòd yo nan kè ou. Koute l'pale se tande yon istwa, kilti a ak yon mond kontrèman ak yon bagay ou janm imajine. Pou wè li alekri se yo konprann kè sere nan yon moun, libète dezi ak lit kont tout chans.
[Haitian] Creole: Creole is a protective tongue. It allows you to hide yourself from the world -- those who have not seen or felt what you have -- and from saying all that you mean. Beautiful in its simplicity and simple in its beauty, this language will always pull the strings in your heart. To hear it spoken is to hear a history, a culture and a world unlike something you've ever imagined. To see it written is to understand the anguish of a people, to desire freedom and to struggle against all odds.

ASL: The only language I can speak without sound. The only language where I have seen genuine gratitude on the face of every person I've used it with. The world of the deaf is a place I pray I will never have to enter. However, there is a beauty to that place that we, the hearing, can never understand. The closest I can ever come is through the use of this language. It is a marvel to witness and a joy to be a part of.

Português: Há sempre de surpresa no rosto de alguém que me escuta falar Português. Poucas pessoas se comprometem o longo processo de aprendizagem esta língua. Embora eu nunca vou virar corretamente meu 'r's, e nunca ponho as minhas palavras na ordem correta, eu tenho orgulho de ter aprendido um pouco de Português. A língua, o seu romance em grande parte desconhecida, uma das palavras mais maravilhosa que existe. É a única língua que eu falo que tem uma palavra para expressar o quanto você sente falta de alguém ou algo assim: "saudade".
Portuguese: There is always surprise on the face of someone who hears me speak Portuguese. Few people undertake the long process of learning this language. While I will never properly flip my 'r's, and will never put my words in the correct order, I am proud to have learned some Portuguese. The language, its romance largely unknown, has one of the most wonderful words in existence. It is the only language I speak that has a word to express how much you miss someone or something: "saudade".

Italiano: Dopo aver scherzato per tanto tempo che "parlo cibo e moda", ho finalmente sto prendendo il tempo di imparare italiano. Io non sono fluente, e io non credo che lo sarà sempre. Ma sono determinati a dare del mio meglio provare. Questo linguaggio riesce ad unire sentimento con le parole; gesto con il pensiero, la passione con l'azione. Questo linguaggio ha un ritmo bellissimo e una retorica unica. La sua una gioia da guardare, un privilegio di imparare.
Italian: After having joked for so long that "I speak food and fashion", I finally took the time to learn some Italian. I am not fluent, and I don't think I ever will be. However, I am determined to give it my best try. This language manages to unite feeling with words; movement with thought; passion with action. This language has a beautiful rhythm and a unique rhetoric. Its a joy to watch, a privilege to learn.

Deutsch: Oh Deutsch, eines Tages werde ich Meister euch. Mein Deutsch ist begrenzt. Meine Sätze sind kurz. Aber ich habe mich in dieser Sprache, anders als alle anderen gefallen. Mit einem Ruf, häßlich, und ein extra Geschlecht für mich zu lernen (Dank an), sollte ich aufgeben. Aber ich kann nicht. Diese Sprache Phrasen alles perfekt, hält eine ganz eigene Geschichte, und schuf das schönste Wort der Welt: Wanderlust.
German: Oh German, one day I will master you. My German is limited. My phrases will have to be short. But I have fallen in love with this language, different from all the rest. With its reputation of being ugly, and an extra gender for me to learn (thanks), I should give up. But I can't. This language phrases everything perfectly, holds a history all its own, and created the most beautiful word in the world: wanderlust

Les Fleurs du Mal

2011-03-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

The sun has been shining in Paris lately, and the weather has been hovering around 10 degrees for the last little while.

All the flowers appearing remind me of work. I miss work. I want to go back. I want to wake up too early in the morning, stand in the warm sunshine for a full day, and cut the flowers all summer. I want to chat all day with my work mates. I want to attempt my limited Punjabi and work on my Portuguese. I want to make a fool of myself trying to joke around in Spanish. I want to weed-whack around the pond and enjoy the presence of our great blue heron. I want it dearly.

The warmth reminds me of Redeemer and how I can lay on my stomach for hours in the quad, looking for clovers, eating licorice and chatting with everyone who passes by. I miss walking around Hamilton barefoot and not worrying what I look like. (This carefree attitude doesn't exist in Paris, trust me).

A lot of the joy that I've found before in schoolwork has been missing this year. I love my classmates, and I enjoy my classes, but I'm finding it difficult to sit down and read Baudelaire, or write a thesis statement. This is beyond odd for me -- it is downright horrifying. Which author can capture my heart and soul, if not Baudelaire? Who am I, if not the Academic?

That being said, I have had of late a big smile on my face too many times to forget. Most of it revolves around going out with the previous classmates, or getting to know the new ones. Some of it revolves around the trees budding and the flowers blooming. A good deal of it revolves around the ridiculously hilarious things my room mate says. I am very thankful for a lot this year, and I truly am enjoying myself. but there is still that dull ache of being ready. Ready to go home, ready to start work, ready to feel grass under my bare toes again.

Come Over Here Baby

2011-02-24T05:28:00.000-08:00

My monthly challenge for February was to write a poem everyday.

Most of them were terrible. But a few were quite successful, at least in conveying what I felt at the time. I'm certainly not a poet, but I enjoy writing them nonetheless. It is a very good thing that I chose free verse; I can't stick to a rhythm/rhyming pattern for the life of me! Here are my favourites. Incidentally, they are also the shortest ones.

Feb. 3, "Divergence"

I cannot help but to change
When I see all new sites
And hear all new sounds
Or climb to new heights
Or step below ground

Feb. 8, no title

Venice is sinking, she sighed,
As lovers flee to Paris.
Soon, all of this will be nothing.
And she hoped to be far away.

Feb. 15, no title

To be intelligent
Is to live and die
As Prometheus

To be intelligent
Is to exist as a wolf
Among the sheep

Feb. 18, Piano Keys

That look
It was mine
For so many days,
Hours, years.
But I am blind,
So how could I know?

Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away

2011-02-20T04:01:00.000-08:00

I have 100 days left in this adventure of mine.

I have extremely mixed emotions on the subject.

Ah! Seigneur! Donnez-moi la force et le courage de contempler mon coeur.
-- Charles Baudelaire

- Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

- Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

Firstly, I want to return. I miss my friends and my family. I miss having a kitchen and a bathroom of my own, and I miss the big, beautifully vast space that is Canada.

Secondly, I don't want to return. I have made some amazing friends here and I can neither imagine leaving them -- some of them forever -- nor imagine living far away from them all.

Thirdly, I want to return. I want to return to the way things used to be between my friends and I. I want to be there for the joys and the sorrows. I want to be able to chat mindlessly on summer evenings, have someone to cry with in the spring, be able to fight for what I believe is right in the winter, and return to my coffee dates for autumn.

Fourthly, I don't want to return. Larissa and I were discussing it this weekend; on one hand, going home is like going back in time. Your friends are all together, listening to the same music, dealing with the same problems, wearing the same clothes. But on the other hand, it's like flying back in time and ending up in the wrong place. Because while things are all the same for your friends, for the last year they have all walked together along a path on which you haven't been present. And they have all grown together and you have diverged.

There is nothing like returning to place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
-- Nelson Mandela

And lastly, I no longer know what is 'home'. Am I returning home, or leaving another home?

How Cavalier We Used to Be

2011-02-13T07:28:00.000-08:00

It was over 15 degrees in Paris this week. Before that, I was in Italy with some sunshine and warmth. I've been out dancing late into the nights and sleeping in on the weekends. It all makes me excited for the summer.

I'm spending this summer the way I really want to. Sunshine and working hard all day, spending my evenings doing whatever I want.

Also, I had my graduation ceremony from the Sorbonne. It was awesome, and I got to keep my hat and gown. So far, the hat has been involved in dancing and eating at Subway. I think I've earned the right to wear it wherever and whenever I want, including public places.

Note to friends: you may not want to be caught in public with me for the next few weeks until the novelty wears off!

2+2=5

2011-01-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you are watching life instead of living life? Like you're watching a movie and yelling at the main lead "Don't go down the stairs!" and they go regardless? (And deep down, you knew they would). Like you can see the ending some miles away, and you know there are no plot twists or heart-felt character transformations? (Like you're watching a movie made for children).
Why?

Today, I watched Donnie Darko. When Donnie reveals that he has learned "every living thing dies alone", the doctor asks him how it made him feel. I answered "relieved" (as though she had asked me).
Why?

Somewhere Out There

2011-01-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

I promised I would discover this year.

I'm well on my way, kicking off the year with my trip to Berlin, where I've discovered that I make single-serving friends easily, that I am fully independent and capable, and that the human capacity for evil is horrifying.

I'm also discovering the difference between liking something, and loving something.

The difference is in value.

Our generation likes music. We lust after it's possession, talking about how big our 'library' is, or how many bands we've seen live. Our generation likes travel. We like to talk about how many cities we've been to, and we like to advertise that as much as we can. Our generation also likes popularity. If our world used to be about 'knowing thyself', it has now become about 'showing thyself' in the best-laid-out-and-most-unique-and-interesting-Facebook-account-possible.

But what does our generation value? Value is intrinsic to the claim of love, because you had to part with the potential of something else in order to access this thing you love.

I heard someone say this week "I love music too much to pay for it". Sounds right at first, right? It did... but then I thought about it. That's not love. That's like. Or maybe even lust. If you love music, you value it. It's no longer about having as much music as you can on you iPod, but about valuing the music that you actually have. When was the last time you sat down and listened to an album. Like actually listened to it. Question part two: did you even pay the artist and record label for that album? I have a suggestion. If you love music, I want you to delete uTorrent, pick up an album that you actually have to pay for, sit down with a glass of wine and no distractions and listen to it from start to finish. That, my friends, would be valuing and ergo loving music.

How about travel? It's a little different of an approach, but it hurts me to hear people say "I've been to Brussels" when they really just passed through the train station. Now I know that time is a precious commodity in our world. And in order to see the most of the world, you'd only be able to pass through a lot of places. But maybe valuing travel intrinsically carries with it a humility in knowing that you will never "see the world". And maybe valuing travel means taking a month out of your life to spend in only one country. Perhaps time, like money in the music example, needs to be sacrificed in order for your love of travel to truly exist.

As for popularity, it's a mix of money, time and emotion -- what I would submit is the third "most valuable commodity" in our world. When I say popularity here, I don't mean getting a high count of friends on your Facebook. I mean genuinely investing yourself in your relationships. Valuing your friends by putting them above other aspects of your life.

I know that our world is flawed, and that it's hard to truly love things. But in my journey of discovering, the one lesson I've come across time and time again is that love is, and always has been the only solution to any problem.

So next time you say you love something, make sure you hold true to that commitment.

If All We Are is Dust ...

2011-01-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out with my class. Best night ever! I tried hard not to make friends and get attached here; it happened regardless. Also, everything good happens after 2am.

The other Redeemer girls arrived today. Lynette and I showed them around our quartier. It's so bizarre that they are here! We've been talking about 'when the girls come' for so long, I find it strange to know that our time here is now halfway over.

I leave Saturday for Germany and then Italy. I have no real itinerary and most of the trip isn't even booked yet. It is terrifying, but it's going to help me discover a lot about myself and about the world. Likely it will raise more questions than answer, but what's life without questioning?

Manifesto

2011-01-17T04:50:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I haven't put this up yet.

Everyone needs to give this song a listen or two. My friend Josh and his co-musicians have put together a fantastic work of art. The song, the video, the faith they have in their message -- it is all fantastic.

Mes amis Européens: c'est ça, un portrait de ma ville au Canada. Elle est plus que ''belle'', elle est merveilleuse. Et ce sont des musiciens de mon école. Ils ont vraiment du talent. Il faut que vous l'écoutiez!

A Juxtaposition of Art and War

2011-01-13T05:55:00.000-08:00

Wanderlust.

It has to end sometime, right? Eventually the Rootless put down roots, right?

The problem is, the Rootless have been taught to test the waters, the soil, the wind conditions and the company wherever they go. And they have been taught suspicion. And, sadly, you can always find a problem with something if you look hard enough.

So how do the Rootless know when they can put down their roots? Never.

Enter, once again, wanderlust.

Don't Lose Your Nerve

2011-01-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

"These are the best days of our lives... it's a terrible thing to know" (Pirate Radio).

Alright, so it sucks to be away from the "family" this year, but this is still going to be a good year. Because only 5 months separate us, and during those 5 months I'm looking at discovering a lot. And then I get to come home and have a fantastic (albeit shortened) summer with my fantastic female room mates and with the boys hopefully nearby. And then I get to finish of Bachelor's Degree Number Two.

Plus, I have had a list sitting on this computer for three years called "Stuff I will do with my best friends" and I've never felt the desire to crack it out... until now. So hold onto your socks, because in 5 months we are about to have so so many fun times.

There are no life updates, really, so I just wrote what was on my mind. I spent my weekend shut up in Kathy's apartment with her and Jemima while we hit the books. I spent my day memorizing the History of the French Society from the Middle Ages until today (only to arrive in class and discover the exam is a week from now. Fail!). I've spent my evening memorizing details about every painting we studied in Art for the exam tomorrow. Tomorrow I will memorize everything in my Philosophy course. Thursday is Rhythm Exam: The Sequel. Saturday is Grammar. Monday is History. Sometime soon thereafter I will write my exam to get into my program for next semester. And then Italy! (Also perhaps Germany, and maybe even the Netherlands?)

Besitos!

I Only Wanted To Begin

2011-01-04T04:56:00.000-08:00

Our gift exchange this year.

My estimated total amount travel this holiday was 13840 km.

There are too many awesome things about being home for me to even begin to write them

I had a fantastic time. It's a Christmas holiday that I will never, ever forget. There are a million highlights, but a few of them involved knocking things off of my life list: Watching a lunar eclipse (Dec. 20-21 with Amanda and Meredeth) and watching a sunset and subsequent sunrise (Dec 31-Jan 1 with Adrian).

The moon, fully eclipsed.

But there was more than just an awesome Christmas!

Ringing in the New Year has always been my favourite part of the year. I love the way it feels when the buzz about resolutions start, and then when party invites get sent out... all the way up to that countdown to which no one can ever sync up properly, I love New Years. This one was my best one yet.

Toasting in 2011 with Champagne

3...2...1...Happy New Year!

Having started the year as well as I could have ever hoped, I then had to hop on the plane and come back here to France. Even still, I am looking forward to this year a lot. I think it's going to be pretty good.

As always, here are my resolutions this time around:
1. The name of my year is the Year of Discovery. (If this makes no sense to you, email me and ask).
2. I will maintain a flexitarian diet, maintain a healthy sleeping schedule and be able to run 5k non-stop by the end of the year.
3. As I am discovering 'myself', I will work on expressing 'myself' by means of art, music, writing, photography and meditation.
4. I will make a conscious effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-image.
5. I am committed to 10 specific friendships with my whole being and will work on them all year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

That secret that you know.

2010-12-09T12:47:00.000-08:00

Every year I set New Years Resolutions. I know that many people don't believe in them, but I think that having annual goals is a really good idea. This year, my fifth resolution was this:

“My understanding of 'love' and 'guilt' and how they impact my daily life will become a part of who I am in a positive light” (January 1).

I thought it would be interesting, now that the year is wrapping up, to look back through my journal from this year (resolution number two!) and see how I've worked to develop an understanding of love. I've pulled a few quotes from the year and I am surprised at how my understanding really did grow over this year.

“For Christians, the single command is to love. The Bible says there is nothing without love and that we are nothing without love. The Bible says that we are not lovers of God if we are not lovers of man. [...] Love isn't the main thing God calls people to do, it is the only thing” (January 23).

I think one of my strongest pulls towards love at the beginning of this journey was knowing that I was called to it. I had no desire to be labeled as 'loving'; I knew I was supposed to. And I really struggled with it!

“How do I show love when I don't always feel so loving?” (February 5).

Another deep struggle of mine this year was developing a healthy self-image and learning to love myself.

“If I don't love myself, how am I supposed to love anyone else?” (March 14).

One of the best mediums through which I learned about love this year was my friendships. Living at West House and spending my time with people I truly loved and felt loved by was an amazing experience.

“I've never loved any group of people as much as I love this 'family'” (May 1).

In the summer, I began to wrestle through the inherent weaknesses in love. It really struck me how closely related love and guilt were, and it took a lot of deep conversations with my friends to work through this.

“Love is both mankind's most desirable strength and our greatest downfall and weakness. On one hand, we would be nothing without it. On the other, it makes us weak, vulnerable and predictable. Yet our only purpose is to love: our created longing is to attain our strongest and weakest trait” (June 7).

As my trip approached, I began to develop an unshakable anxiety. I was afraid to lose the grip I had developed on love and was anxious that my friendships wouldn't last.

“Is Ben Gibbard right when he says 'love is watching someone die'? Who will be with me, I wonder?” (July 12).

After leaving, loneliness and I became fully acquainted. I then realized how much loneliness and love have in common.

“Loneliness is the strongest force which drives my philosophy of self, home and love” (September 30).

As I had more time to reflect, I came to understand that love is not essential 'because God says so'; it is essential because our souls demand it. We were created to be beings in relation with one another. Love is something you cannot exist without.

“I need to love and be loved” (October 9).

The longer I spent away from my new-found sources of love, the more I came to understand the glory of love. The other revelations I had had regarding love still stood, but there was something more in my understanding now. Love is scary, but it is worth it.

“Love and desire are tough. They can hurt and ruin and burn. But they are good and they can be absolutely amazing if you work hard at them” (November 4).

Finally, the lesson on love that I learned this month brought everything together. This month, I learned that I am loved.

“I wish I knew how to show as much love as I've been shown. I truly have the best friends on earth. If there was ever a year to try and understand love, this has certainly been the one” (Dec 7).

I had a dream that I...

2010-12-05T03:57:00.000-08:00

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited." — Sylvia Plath

All I Want For Christmas is Vous

2010-12-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

For the past three days, it has been snowing in Paris. Presumably, if you are reading my blog, you know me well enough to know that I detest the snow. I absolutely abhor the cold. I generally hibernate during the winter season. But for some strange reason, this year, there is a warm glow in my heart when I think about Christmas...

For the last few years, my Christmases have been less than joyful. The birth of my Saviour is overrun with lights and commercialism, and it breaks my heart. For the past few years have also found myself in a season of loneliness. Add the cold on top of that, and you nearly always get one miserable girl.

So what makes this year different?

My friends -- the best friends anyone could have ever hoped for -- have decided that they want me to be with them for Christmas. And they have gone far beyond simply stating that desire. They have actually decided to go in together and get me home. That's right: that ridiculously overpriced holiday ticket from Paris to Toronto? That is my present this year.

And that is why I was overjoyed to see snow in Paris this week. And that is why I am watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas right now. And that is why I have had an unshakable smile for the last week!

It was for freedom, from myself and from the land.

2010-11-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

I believe there is a reason for time-outs. Isolation and solitude can be like meditation for the soul. When you are alone in your surroundings, you are forced to connect with them and to connect with yourself.

“None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

One-way tickets are keys to unlocking secret corridors in your heart.

Enter accountability. All of a sudden, there is no one else to blame. There are no character flaws that are not your own. There is no one to watch your bag, no one to take a picture of you, and no one to lend you a jacket. You become the sole person to blame for anything you do wrong. And by traveling alone, you learn to accept responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions. So to speak, you begin to design your own life.

Enter independence. You are no longer the sum of your possessions, accomplishments and friends. You are just you. You learn to embrace the solitude you are given and learn how to direct your own life's coming and going as only you see fit.

Enter self-analysis. Our generation adores the idea of 'finding oneself'. But until you see how the world sees you outside of your own little bubble, you never can. But when you're alone -- truly alone -- you become able to see yourself through new eyes. Your old scars become exposed to new light. Your character flaws begin to come to light. You are able to learn who you are.

Enter self-understanding. When you are alone, away from all the familiar sights, smells, tastes and relationships, you are no longer an actor portraying who you have become. You are stripped bare of the expectations of your family and friends and you can finally learn how you see yourself. You can finally learn what makes you happy and what simply does not.

Enter hope. When you have analyzed, understood, been independent and held yourself accountable, the next step seems to always be looking to the future. Suddenly, the world stops getting in your way and you can look at the future for its everythingness and nothingness all at once.

Enter love. When you are alone, you must learn to love yourself, in spite of or even because of all your quirks and faults and flaws. And once you learn to love yourself, you become suddenly capable of loving others. And loving love itself.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.”
--Mary Anne Radmacher Hershey

By being alone, you finally discover that you were what you were searching for.

Don't Let Your Soul Get Lonely

2010-11-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

Lonliness sucks.

It doesn't matter that every day I am surrounded by people. Right now I am writing so furiously that my elbow is bumping the wrist of the lady next to me. It doesn't matter that I have things in common with people here. In fact, this poor lady is attempting to enjoy the same drink that I've let turn cold beside me on the window sill. It doesn't matter that I've made enough acquaintances that I'm never without someone to say hello by name.

What matters right here, right now, is that these people are not my friends. They are not the people I know inside and out. They are not the people I stay up to talk to all night. They are not the people I can make pancakes for to persuade them to wake up and watch cartoons with me. They are not the people who made me embrace nerdy card games. And I don't want to let them become that to me, because in 7 months I'll have to leave them behind.

And while I'm forced to be here, my friends are all back home, together. Still staying up and eating pancakes and playing cards. And it only gets harder. Because back home, alongside my friends are other people who are doing these things with them who don't know them or love them like I do. And because back home, my friends have too much on their plates to be able to hold contact. And because back home, my world is going on perfectly happily without me.

Tout et depuis toujours, nous rêvons le même rêve. Et ce que nous pensons être la vie – et que nous considérons comme étant « notre vie » -- n'est rien de plus qu'un roman écrit par personne. Mais si personne n'est l'auteur de notre rêve commun, pourquoi le rêvons-nous? Et, surtout, pourquoi le rêvons-nous ensemble?
-- Edgar Kosma

Yet, there is a collectivity to my loneliness, as paradoxical as that sounds. Because at times, this lady gets lonely, even with the comfort of her Grande Latte Caramel Noisette. (Ok pause: This drink is seriously really good). And at times, people with my friends are feeling lonely.

Sometimes someone steps back and sees how short life is and realizes that they don't know themselves and that they don't know anyone else or anything at all, and they feel lonely.

So yeah, loneliness sucks. And no, it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. But at the very least, it gets accepted.

The Western Man's Need to Cry

2010-11-14T04:49:00.000-08:00

This weekend I had the privilege to travel to Ypres and Brussels for Jour de l'Armistice (Remembrance Day).
Ypres was more than an eye-opener. Now I've seen war, I've seen hatred, and I've seen pain. But I don't think I've ever connected with the reality of their existence in life before.
The most moving things I saw in Ypres were the stories printed on the Christmas cards sent from the front over 90 years ago...

...And the horrifying count of how many armed conflicts Red Cross has been a part of since the 'War to end all Wars'.

How have we still managed not to learn to love?
After Ypres we headed to Brussels. Since Belgium only seems to believe in rain, we spent most of our time inside, at the national Art and History Museums. Luckily, we managed to score a great weekend to be there. The World Photography Exhibit was being displayed here.
Many of the pictures once again reminded me of all the hatred in our world and all the pain that exists. But the first place photos in the Arts and Entertainment category (the photographer, Kitra Cahana, was Canadian!) reminded me of something else: even though our world is rough, and we feel helpless, and we hate and cheat and lie and steal and kill, there is still joy.

That's one reason there have been so many armed conflicts since the war to end all wars. Because we have to protect our joys when they are threatened.
Do I agree with war? No. Do I want it to exist? No. But I understand that there are some times where talking no longer suffices as a way to work things out. I just have to pray that those times are few and far between.

Carpe Diem

2010-11-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

Ripe -- Ben Lee

The moon sheds light across the end of the bed.
You made me wait but now I'm touching your leg.
And i remember all the little things you said,
"quesadillas, made with cheese" and "a rock band who were Japanese."
So for once in my life, I saw what I wanted and took a bite.
I picked the fruit from the tree and it was ripe.

Your love got big, your jokes got worse each afternoon.
Like bacon at a bah mitzvah, like a lead balloon.
And who's to say what really happened in that room each day?
I was looking for a bride, you were looking for a groom.
So for once in your life, you saw what you wanted and you took a bite.
You picked the fruit from the tree and it was ripe.

And all you people are the heroes I've known.
We're staring off the edge into the unknown.
We are not there yet but we cannot go home.
So we cry, and we sing.
Yeah, I remember everything.
For once in our lives, we saw what we wanted and took a bite.
We picked the fruit from the tree.
And it was ripe.

Carpe diem. Seize the day. Live your life to it's full potential.
It's certainly getting me through.
It takes on a different shape each time.
Sometimes it entails going for a run and getting horribly lost in my own arrondissement.
Sometimes it entails hopping on a plane for a weekend in Madrid.
Sometimes it's having the balls to take up an offer for a date.
Regardless, it makes living life feel good.
And best of all, it keeps me from missing these people too much.

Elle parle avec un légère accent

2010-10-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well, we are 43 days into my life in Europe. I don't have much to write about, because life is decidedly similar as a student no matter where you live.
There are always classes -- always earlier than you'd like them -- and they always bring homework. There are always intelligent students, ignorant students, entertaining students and lazy students. There is always have enough money to live, but not enough money to spend. There is always enough food to eat, and not enough motivation to cook. There are always responsibilities in the way of fun, and there is often fun taking place instead of responsibility.

I am admittedly enjoying my time here. There really is a lot to love. There is, of course, a lot to miss, too.

My professor has somehow pinpointed me as the hopeless romantic of the class. At first I had no idea what she was talking about. Heck, in Canada I'm one of the least romantic people I know. Put me in the city of love and I should appear closer to a necromancer than a romantic! But after a bit of reflection and self-analysis, I have decided that she is right. I do have a romantic perception of a lot of things, including my faith (something that is challenged frequently here), my sense of home, my sense of belonging, my views on man's goodness, and above all, my friends.

I frequently wander the streets alone, listening to music and thinking about the meaning of life. One tends to do these things when one is alone. I'm actually grateful to be alone with myself for a time.

I am learning much more about myself than I would have imagined. I think that people travel not to see the world, but to see how the world sees them.

Paris has reached a profound part of my heart that I had forgotten was there.

Paris Holds the Key

2010-09-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

Paris in point form:
1) Jet-lag sucks. Especially 6 hours. It scares me to return home. Also, I will have lost parts of my life because I lost 6 coming here on a 7 hour flight (pretend it's a 13 hour flight) and will gain six coming back on an 8 hour flight (pretend it's a 2 hour flight). I find it strange.
2) Everyone wants your money for everything. Fees are hiding EVERYWHERE!
3) The have CHERRY COKE here. CHERRY COKE! I was so excited the guy at the Subway we found actually called me Cherry Coke (sounds like a horrible stripper name! Yikes!) when we left.
4) Everyone here smokes, looks amazing (except a lot of people in the Metro... must be the lighting), smells good, and shows a lot of physical affection.
5) No one here drinks coffee on the go, showers for a long time, uses electricity if it can be avoided (I have to run down the hall at night because the light's on a timer and we're at the end and I'm afraid of monsters or armed robbers)or smiles at you in the road.
5) People like Canada, but not America. Also, people are surprised at my French. I guess they haven't heard Canada is bilingual.
6) The Eiffel Tower is lame. I hope Versailles has more to offer.
7) The coffee here is AMAZING.
8) Booze is everywhere. I like it.
9) I dress conspicuously North American. And I'm proud of it!
10) I really REALLY have the best friends on earth. I miss them more than words can say, and wish they were all here to experience this with me. But reading the things they wrote to me in my journal (Thanks Mandar!) and the emails/letters keep me from missing them enough to drop out and fly home.

Sketchy.

2010-09-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Goal: fill a sketch book solely with sketches of the next people I see smoking or drinking coffee.
I can't explain why. I just think it will be a neat adventure.

Chelsea and Aaron Get Married!

2010-05-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, one of the most beautiful and caring women I know, Chelsea Watterworth (well, Eygenraam now, I suppose!) married one of the most dedicated and passionate men I know, Aaron Eygenraam. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception was a blast! Congrats to the lovebirds!

Here is Chelsea posing briefly with me during the reception.

This is my wonderful group of friends from what seems like a lifetime ago. We used to all attend youth with Chelsea. All in all, the day was full of nostalgia, fun and love!

Congrats to one of my oldest and dearest friends, and her super-lucky guy.
Best wishes for the future to Chelsea and Aaron!

Redeemer University College

2010-03-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, it costs a lot. Yes, I will have worked too hard for the degrees I will be getting. Yes, I will have a less well-known name on my certificate. However, I am glad to be a student at Redeemer.

Firstly, I'm glad I go to school. If I had gone straight to the workplace I would be forever unhappy. I would have a lot of unused brain power and I would always wonder what could have been. I also have seen many people who've gone straight into the workplace being so unhappy with their lives and compensating in stupid ways.

Secondly, I'm glad I go to this school. I'm glad I am somewhere where not everyone feels the need to go out drinking simply for "the college experience". I'm glad I am somewhere where we can openly discuss faith and issues without worrying about sounding closed-minded. I'm glad I am somewhere that doesn't make me feel the need to be "hot" or "cool" or anything that isn't simply me.

Lastly, I'm glad I'm in the crowd that I am in. It took a while, but I am now surrounded by honest and caring people. They expect nothing from me besides my love, and the same is returned. Grateful doesn't begin to describe it.

Choir Tour 2010!

2010-02-21T17:54:00.001-08:00

Why Choir (And Tour) is Amazing:

10. The voyage. In all three of my years in Choir I have yet to experience a far-away tour, but I have high hopes forthat in my fifth year. Outside of that, however, the trips to Quebec and Northern Ontario have actually been loads of fun. It's essentially a giant, God-centered road trip with a bundle of your best friends.

9. The attitudes. Granted, some people are there for poor reasons and have bad attitudes. And even still some people with great attitudes get tired and cranky. But there is no denying that it is hard to imagine any group of 20-something-year-olds with more joyful spirits.

8. The jokes. Every tour has them, and some of them are just too good to forget. This year for me it is Dontcha, Taylor's attempts at French and Joz my passionate lover. And I love the fact that I can glean this from a week of bus-riding and fatigue!

7. The music. Take it from someone who favours screamo, rock and punk over Beethoven, Bach and Handel (not Liszt, I would take him over anything!), there is a whole world of absolutely incredible music that our generation is going to miss out on. Were it not for Choir I would never have heard of O Magnum Mysterium (Lauridsen), Christus Factus Est (Bruckner), Crucifixus (Lotti) and Requiem (Faure's, Gilles' and Brahms') among many other marvelous repertoire.

6. Sopranos. They might be divas sometimes, but so many of these ladies are the nicest, most honest people I have ever met. Many of them inspire me to be more in touch with my femininity.

5. Tenors. There are few sections where you can find pop stars, politicians, math buffs and basketball players. But we have them all, and they love nothing more than to give out hugs and spread joy.

4. Basses. Some of the manliest men I know, and some of the most reliable friends I have.

3. Altos. There is not one alto in choir that I don't absolutely adore. These ladies are entirely dedicated to love, to God, and to each other.

2. Dr. Teeuwsen. While he may come across to almost everyone in their first impression as the scariest, most intimidating man alive, T-Man is like a giant teddy bear. True, he plays organ like a world champ. And true, if you aren't singing to your full potential he'll scare the crap out of you in a concert. However, he will also sing "Dontcha" and "Go for a Soda" on the bus, will hug anyone, anywhere, anytime, and will become your father while you are at school.

1. Faith. I'm not the only one who wants desperately to understand, and when we sing songs like this all together, I feel certain that we're all seeking answers together.

Naked as We Came.

2009-12-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful for being blessed with the diverse group of awesome that I can call my best friends.

This song is incredible.

Your humor makes me, makes me nauseous.

2009-11-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

"Whoa, when I take off my glasses you all got smaller."
-intense laughter-
"Who knew the number one mood killer is taking off your glasses? Dear Erica: note to self -- get contacts!"
(The summary of why I shouldn't speak around my friends... Lol).

Not going to lie, I'm pretty sick of seeing plaid. And big glasses that serve no real purpose. Not that I'm sad that the hippie trend has moved on to the hipster trend, just that I'm sad that the vast majority of people I know still follow trends. I feel like we're old enough to have self-defined by now, without the use of trends and fads.

Someone mentioned to me a few weeks ago that my group of friends and I are more like a family than friends. I think that's true. We do have a frame in our living room that says 'our family' full of pictures of us. I am very grateful for these friends. Even more than that, I'm grateful for how real and deep they all are. It's a huge blessing.

I've also come to realize this week how much my three best friends from high school mean to me. It's tough for us to all be moving on, but I feel that if I devote enough time and effort, I can hold on to these friendships forever.

Lately I've been enjoying foreign films and independent films. I hope everyone who reads this checks out a few in their lifetime. Here is a small, 20-minute film that may have changed my life last night.

Discretion's Not What I Need to Sell.

2009-10-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

Quote of the year... courtesy of Personality Psychology and Dr. Hackney.
"The Hackney Dirty Slut Index: On a scale of prude to hooker, where would you place yourself?"

Marvelous.
Simply marvelous!

Be a part of an institution, lead the way in a revoloution.

2009-09-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

I realized yesterday that I am going to need a year off after school just to swallow and process all the information I will have absorbed during my 5-year long adventure in Bachelor of Arts with an Honours French Major, Psychology Minor and Bachelor of Education.

I love my house. I live with some of the best guys around; Richard, Kevin, Corey, Chad and Nathan, as well as my stellar roomie Amanda. Two weeks ago at devos, we spent all night making jokes about Richard making porn and Corey being a pedophile. This week at devos we spent almost two hours discussing whether Deedz was doing God’s work or not. Just based on the fact that we can be laughing in both of those discussions means that I have found a crowd I can fit into, have fun with, grow with and learn from. I think that is as good as it gets.

One of my goals for this school year is to have 100 coffee dates. So far I have managed to squeeze in 5. I'm so excited for all of these coffee dates. So many people here are so amazing and have a lot of wisdom to offer.

Apparently many people from my school no longer believe in short-term missions. Anyone who doesn’t believe in short-term missions needs to move past “numbers” and “results” and look up God’s commandment to take care of the widow and the orphan. I’m pretty sure He didn’t specify how long we had to spend with them to ‘take care’ of them. And I’m also pretty sure He didn’t tell us to ensure “results”. And how can we measure efficiency, change or worth? Certainly not the way He measures efficiency, change or worth.

Everyone who thinks choral music is lame should listen to Crucifixus by Lotti and O Magnum Mysterium by Lauridsen.

Today was “Random Act of Chocolate Day”, in the world of my I.T. Boss. Score!

When it's Not Worth Dying For

2009-09-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

This has been quite the time...

After naming my year the "Year of Accountability" I got to fight through mess after mess of defining accountability and judgment, being held accountable, and holding others accountable. Though I'm grateful for the lessons of the year so far, I'm hoping it's a little smoother sailing as I move into my third year at Redeemer.

I learned a lot about people by stirring the pot in our little faith community, that's for sure. When people feel that their way of life is threatened, I find there are two basic reactions; they either consider the validity of this new viewpoint, or they automatically declare it wrong and fight back viciously. I think that as Christians we need to be careful of this. God has called us to correction, and yet we have to be sure we are being corrected and not led astray. It reminds me of the song 21 Guns, by Green Day (honestly, I love this group and really appreciate their honest lyrics) which asks "Do you know what's worth fighting for?"

This year was tough, because only some people took correction very well, and even took it upon themselves to correct me on my own failings. Moments like these made me glad to be a Christian. (Not to mention I ended up with a boyfriend out of the deal, who just may be the greatest guy on earth). However, there were some people that refused to consider correction and lashed out in every way possible against this threat to their way of living. There were times when I was confused because I didn't even know who was fighting against me, and there were times where I was afraid because I felt everyone was fighting against me.

Luckily, though, I made it through the year relatively unscathed. This year (which is still the "Year of Accountability" until New Years) will hopefully pick up in a very different place than it left off.

Just Last the Year.

2009-05-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

It disturbs me that sometimes people actually don't WANT love/peace/joy/friendship/simplicity/honesty.
They'd rather raise hell.
They'd rather be right.
They'd rather cause problems.
They'd rather get attention.

...

Disturbing.

A Combination of God and Chess Pieces.

2009-04-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

Our world is interesting.
Twitter and micro-blogging are phenomena which I will never understand. I know what it's like to want an audience (clearly, otherwise the things I write in here would just go in a journal of sorts), but why the need for affirmation and disconnected connection all the time?
Facebooking, MSN, email, texting, Twitter, blogs, myspace... why the need for constant connection? Not that I haven't fallen into it, too. But why is my worth measured on how many people comment on my new Facebook picture? I find it interesting, comparing our generation to the one before us.
In any case, I've decided that I do, in fact, like personal connection better. Like the single-serving friends I get from standing in line for food with someone else who gets the 'veggie delite' and talking about why we don't eat meat. Or going out for coffee with someone I've seen around but not really gotten to talk to. Or heck, going for a walk at Webster's Falls with an old friend who I've known for years.
Yep. Real connection.
Speaking of connection, here's an interesting website; this artist has truly captured 'disconnected connection', though not in the internet form. The pictures, taken in NYC, show a way in which the subjects all share something without knowing it, such as all being in a rush, or all carrying flowers.
Below are my favorites from the collection. Here's the link to the wepage:
http://www.v1gallery.com/artist/show/3

Someone Makes Love; Love Makes Someone.

2009-04-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

Speak with passion and others can feel the power of your words. Stop making sense and start making love. Sometimes I think speaking and dancing were separated at birth and are longing to find each other again.
--Ben Lee.

People around here just need to calm down, take a breath, check themselves and remember love.

Confessions of an Insomniac.

2009-03-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

I am awake.

The night is at its darkest; just before the morning is recognizable as morning. I leave and tiptoe outside. I sit in the field and notice that the stars are still softly glowing, allowing heaven to peek through onto Earth. The clouds are heavy with rain, which occasionally drip on my bare skin, reminding me that I am human and alive.

When you can't sleep, you can't be awake either. I can't keep my mind occupied with one thought, but neither can I clear it enough to sleep. I feel the air thicken with moisture and wind. The breeze is fast and cold, moving through my bones and mind. The air smells sweet as the flowers slowly begin to stir. The night becomes morning as the light at the horizon remembers that it is soon needed. I, like the leaves and grass, begin to stir as the light touches me. I remember all that needs to be done today, the Sabbath, the day before my hectic week begins, the day where I will call home; the day of seemingly very busy 'rest'. And yet, none of that seems as important as existing with creation right now.

The pale, soft light of the morning reminds me of my close friends. Those who I am a part of and those who form a part of me. I remember the fun things we have done recently. I remember the fun things we have done in the past. I remember how many rules I broke and how many moral lines I blurred. I remember my own faith witness and wonder how I have tarnished the Lord's name. I stop. I have forgotten to breathe.

I inhale the good feelings. I exhale the bad memories. I center myself and remember grace. I breathe as though it is all my exhaustion will allow me to do. A whippoorwill cries somewhere near by. I am taken back to the very day my insomnia began; I remember sitting next to a pond with bullfrogs, coyotes and whippoorwills calling out to me all night and all the next morning. I breathe in again, remembering the sweet smell of the morning air beside Sycamore Pond. I breathe out, remembering the pain in my heart that began this journey of sleeplessness.

I look around. I see the grasses beginning to perk up, one by one; as an army of thousands moves as one. I look closer and see small midge flies beginning to rub the dew from their wings as I rub the sleep from my eyes. I look into the air and see the early birds rise into the clouds as though to greet the sun as soon as he arrives. I think to palm branches and wonder on the majesty of Christ's creation.

I look to my right hand and see the ring that has not left my body in three years. I remember all that it is and how it haunts me. I remove it and set it amongst the army of grass. I notice tones and hues of yellow among the white gold that I have never seen before. I look to the sky and see that the yellow is reminding me that I, too, am a part of nature. I, too, am a created being. I, too, am renewed every morning. The rainbows from the diamond are scattered across my ankle. The reds that is the passion of my Lord. The green that is the army that now carries my ring. The blue that is the night sky. The yellow that is the sun's renewal and the Son's renewal.

I recognize my oneness with nature. I feel the warmth of the sun as it rises, alongside the grass and whippoorwill. I am in the space between night and day, light and dark, old and new. Together, we step into the future.

Silence, stillness, peace. The sun cracks over the horizon. It illuminates my view; the church to my right, the orchard to my left, my house behind me, the creation around me. The sun seems to pierce through the darkness like a camera flash in a blackout. It pierces through my dark thoughts. It reminds me to breathe again. I shut my eyes and feel the light. I sense the reds and oranges triumphing over the blues and greens.

If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep. My mind is sent rocketing towards my future as though my past was a springboard. I feel the triumph of my future. I hear my whippoorwill again. This time, he raises a chorus of others. I hear a cardinal respond surely. I hear the army of grass respond by shaking off their slumber and rising to greet the day. I, too, rise. I take my ring from the ground. I look at it; it is no longer a bad memory, but a reminder that I am new. I wipe my cold feet on the wet grass; we are so similar, the grass and I. I glance towards the heavy rain clouds that are now obscuring my view of the sun. I remember that they are temporary, but that the sun will rise every morning. I feel the drips on my skin and hair; I remember that rain will bring green grass and flowers soon. I breathe in the sweet morning air once more. I tell myself that tomorrow has enough stress of its own. I don't need to add to it. I remind myself that I have already been taken care of and my plans are useless anyways.

I walk inside and go to sleep.

If the World Was How it Should Be Maybe I Could Get Some Sleep.

2009-03-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

To describe my night tonight, I would sound as though I was beginning a "Jew walks into a bar" joke...
Question:
What happens when a male, Dutch, Christian engineer; an Indian, male, Muslim engineer; a native, female, Buddhist philosopher; a male, Dutch, Christian philosopher and a Spanish, female, Christian psychologist gather at a University for 5 hours?
Answer:
Fun shenanigans!
Seriously though, for a group of near-strangers, we all had an amazing time tonight. After making a single-serving friend at the computer across from me, I felt wholly fulfilled. I had no idea I would make two more! We met up at Mac, where I had been doing research in the Library with Dan. Dan's best friend from home, Jon, was there, along with a friend from his program, Mohammad, and his friend, Danielle. We met up at Bridges, the Vegetarian restaurant on campus, where we talked about everything from nymphomania, to how randomness can never truly exist. After the restaurant closed, we moved to the campus commons building (for those who haven't been to Mac, Redeemer's closest equivalent would be if you mixed Williams, the quad, and the Rec Center) and continued to discuss things like God, sex, music, structural integrity of buildings, conspiracy theories, rapists, serial killers, and infomercials... to name a few topics. Granted, I have a midterm tomorrow and five papers due in three days next week, so I shouldn't have spent my time as such... But in the end, I believe it was worth it for the uplifting (and extremely comical) conversation.

I'm No Superman.

2009-03-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

Things that disturb me:
-Bad grammar
-Feet
-Trains
-Meat
-Men wearing v-necks
-Carrying toilet paper in public
-Sweat marks
-Old Spice
-Recycling or compost in the garbage
-Snow

Some may run and some know fear.

2009-03-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

15 Reasons Why Most Redeemer-ites Want Me Dead:

15. I have [many] body piercings.

14. I believe that if we are truly Christians we will be out there in the world doing whatever we can and that those who make excuses not to do anything must not have God's love and compassion in them.

13. I believe that knowing God leads to a living and active faith and knowing about God leads to a dead, debate and rule-filled religion.

12. I have no problem speaking my mind.

11. I don't believe in 'one holy catholic church' because I don't believe that we are holy... yet.

10. I believe that the charismatic churches are doing more for the Kingdom's cause than the reformed churches.

9. I believe that emotion is an important part of worship.

8. I believe that the "Christian" music industry is ruining any chance we ever had of sharing our message. **

7. I believe accountability is important.

6. I believe that music of any style can be made by Christians (That's right; I believe Underoath is both an awesome band and a Christian band).

5. I believe reading the Bible is infinitely more important than reading books written by Christians. (This includes Calvin's writings!)

4. I believe we should have friends who are not Christian.

3. I believe that the gifts of the Spirit are a sign of the Holy Spirit in you. (Including praying in tongues).

2. I believe our faiths should change us.

1. I think Redeemer needs to be confronted by God and changed.

** I know this one can get confusing: Too many bands make it in the Christian music industry who are not musically excellent because we are not competitive enough; often, making it in the Christian music scene is a cop-out of the true competition in the secular industry. Because of this, the Christian music industry is seen as a joke. If a Christian band is good enough, they could make it into the real music scene. And the influence of having God's message on the iPods of non-Christians does so much more than have mediocre music pumping God's message into the ears of Christians who already know it. I don't know if that explains it or not, if you want to ask me in person, go for it.

Thoughts on Faith.

2009-03-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

For God commanded angels to watch over you
That they shall protect you in all your living keep you
For their hands will uphold and guide you
Lets you dash your foot against a stone, stumbling
For they shall protect you
In all your living keep you
For they shall, shall protect you
They shall protect you, protect and keep you

"From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it." Matthew 11:12.

"Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling" Philippians 2:12b.

I like to imagine what a pure faith would look like. Not a religion full of useless rules or something stupid like that... but a real faith that somehow made our world better or managed to actually exemplify love.

I'm Glad I Didn't Die Before I Met You.

2009-02-23T17:53:00.000-08:00

**Profanity Warning: some of the quotes in today's post contain crude language!**

There are two activists I admire in the world right now.
Banksy and Chuck Palahniuk.

Banksy is a street artist who uses his graffiti to make political statements. "I like to think I have the guts to stand up anonymously in a western democracy and call for things no-one else believes in - like peace and justice and freedom." His true identity is entirely unknown. Says Banksy on his own mysterious identity: "I have no interest in ever coming out. I figure there are enough self-opinionated assholes trying to get their ugly little faces in front of you as it is." Banksy has traveled the world with his art, which has been found from a wall near Bethlehem, a beach in Cuba and recently on an abandoned gas station in Birmingham. I have high respect for someone who isn't wasting his time just thinking about changing the world. There are far too many people who sit on their asses doing nothing productive; they strive for monetary success, for popularity, for fun at others' expense, for fame. Banksy says that "in the future, so many people are going to become famous that one day everybody will end up being anonymous for 15 minutes."

Chuck Palahniuk is an author, most well-known for the anti-consumerism film Fight Club. His books often revolve around a character who has been marginalized by society and reacts with self-destructive aggressiveness. Chuck offers "Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves", as explanation for this destruction. Chuck begs for each person to do better than they are doing. "Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives." Often, Chuck's novels are depressing in a terrifyingly true way; "Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality."

I am so impressed by these two men who have taken non-conventional approaches to changing the world around them. There are far too many people who spread hatred instead of love. Especially, and sadly, in the Christian community. Neither Chuck Palahniuk nor Banksy are Christian. In fact, both are likely to take Ghandi's stance on Christianity; "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are nothing like your Christ."

One thing I have noticed at Redeemer is the lack of action. I know many people on campus, and enjoy the company of very few. Every other week I and a team of three other incredible people lead Deedz Ministries downtown. Often we hear that people are too busy to participate. And yet, some boys on campus have decided they have the time to create a fake personality "Jody Summers" on Facebook and harass other students with her account. That certainly sounds like good Christians trying to change the world around them for the better. I realize we all fail, but we could do much better than we're doing. If everyone chose one good act to do everyday, and in return eliminated one negative act, people might take Christianity a little more seriously. and maybe we could hope to inspire the change that Banksy and Chuck Palahniuk have.

Call Me a Safe Bet; I'm Betting I'm Not.

2009-02-11T11:08:00.000-08:00

I have always valued honest music. Artists like Bob Dylan have had a major impact on me, especially where the lyrics are concerned.
It was almost three years ago that I discovered Brand New's song Jesus Christ. The lyrics portray a very real and honest struggle between Atheism and Christianity; between existing in inertia or changing.
But over the years, as I have changed, Brand New has evolved with me. and their lyrics are just as honest and real as before.
I want you to all encounter their songs. Whether you like them or not is not my concern, but check out these songs.

1. Jesus Christ -- about the struggle to believe. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSkccp5Hvgg)

2. Luca -- parallels Luca Brasi from The Godfather and a cheating significant other. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwneE3c8zkU)

3. Seventy Times Seven -- his side of the story of finding his best friend and girlfriend together. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfsZJ33fK4A&feature=related)

4. Limosine -- a non-romanticized portrayal of drunk driving. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDEhtmPd-o8)

5. Limosine (acoustic) -- this gives me shivers every time. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLac8jIIIeE&feature=related)

*6. Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades -- about moving too fast. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKDc2lkt_mE)

7. You Won't Know -- about making irreversible mistakes. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5mm8ex8Vd4)

*8. The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows -- about losing a lover to your own error. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMJIc9USE2U)

*Official music videos

The Day the Music Died.

2009-02-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

50 years ago today. (Ok, since it's 2:20AM this was technically yesterday).
R.I.P. Ricardo Steven Valenzuela ("Ritchie Valens"), Jiles Perry Richardson Jr.("The Big Bopper") and Charles Hardin Holley ("Buddy Holly").

Take a Pill and Cook the Vegetables

2009-01-04T11:04:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!
Now onto the reason I am writing today -- celery.
Celery is one of the best vegetables ever. I don't care if you are a carnivore, don't tell me yo don't munch on celery from time to time. And everybody likes celery. Really, who can say they don't like celery. It's more water than food, so if you like water, you will like celery!
It's incredibly versatile. I don't like Cheez Whiz, but give me enough celery and I'll finish off the entire jar! It also goes with peanut butter, garden vegetable cream cheese, and every form of salad dressing imaginable!
Celery is nearly as easy to grow as hemp is. It only takes one ounce of celery seeds to produce an acre of celery. try and tell me that's not a fruitful plant!
As well, celery is good for those looking to lose weight. One stalk of celery has about 10 calories. But it takes your body more than 10 calories to digest. So every time you eat celery you are losing weight!
And that's pretty much all I have to say. Yay veggies!

A Perfect Christmas?

2008-12-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

I wish I could trade this:

For this:

Sometimes I think Christmas is the worst season of the year for depression and suicides because Hollywood forgets the way so many people end up spending their holidays. While I realize that my situation is not as dire as I see it, I fear the unknown. I fear leaving Redeemer campus with only a few clothes and enough money to bus around. I'm afraid of taking the train somewhere and holding on to the slim chance that a friend will be home and able to take me in. Instead of telling me what my Christmas should look like, I wish Hollywood would show me what it could look like:

Then I might get over myself and enjoy the unknown.

As I'm Leaving.

2008-12-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

It's been a confusing season in my life.

I took on too much this semester. Yes,I am actually admitting it. I had no time for myself. I also had very little time fro a lot of friends. But that doesn't mean I lost all contact with people. I made quite a few new friends this year, and managed to build on the relationships I had, especially with Dan and Austin, who made time for ME. I realized this semester that friendship is a two-way street and it's not always up to me to make the sacrifices.

I lost my grandma this semester, just three weeks ago. Not that I knew her well, mind you, but losing a family member is still a strange feeling. I also missed her funeral, due to my aforementioned busy schedule. As well, my family is very complicated and I knew my presence was needed for some and definitely not needed for others. I'm still not sure how I feel about what I did.

I also realized this semester that I have an irrational fear of all of my friendships peaking and eventually petering off. I can't tell you why I feel like this, or where this fear came from, but for the first time in my life I don't feel my friendships are indestructible. I feel like they are as fallible as I am... and I don't know what to do about it.

I had a lot of rough times this semester, but also a lot of good ones. All in all, I enjoyed myself, but feel as though I have more questions than answers right now.
Next semester I start brand new.

I Need You So Much Closer.

2008-11-17T06:05:00.000-08:00

True friends...
-Leave their bed to stay out all night and think with you
-Drive all night long with you to see your friend
-Hold your hand when it's cold
-Watch the moon with you
-Are honest, no matter what the truth is
-Stop keeping track of who owes who
-Can take correction when they're wrong
-Can correct you when you're wrong

We Are Wandering Home.

2008-10-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

Words cannot express the love I have for these people. Nor can photographs accurately capture my unbelievable joy at having found what I refer to as "friend soulmates".
May I present to the world... Wandering Home.

Come Closer.

2008-10-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

Let me feel you breathe

Let me hear you speak

To only me

Embrace

Come closer

Let’s crash

Your breath in my ear

Your hand in mine

Fingers interlocked

Holding

Your arm on my waist

Your heart and mine

Pounding in sync

Unison

Come closer

Let’s crash

Let me see your eyes

Let me touch your lips

With mine

Intertwined

This is the first song I've ever written. I'm still a little iffy on it, but the band (now officially named Wandering Home) seems to like it. So I have officially written a song!

The Days We Went Crazy

2008-09-25T15:54:00.000-07:00

My current life:

- 8 courses, none of which I love, but only one of which I hate... unfortunately, that is my major
- IT desk, where I do readings and/or watch videos
- Language lab, where I generally do readings
- French/Spanish tutor, which seems to not be doing much lately
- Freeway Cafe, where I get to hear wonderful bands and serve people fair-trade coffee
- Debutante/Amy, our indecisively-named band, where I get to hang out with my best friends and do the one thing we love most
- CEW Team, where we basically dance and worship creatively
- Green Team, where I get to make sure Redeemer is taking care of the environment as best as possible
- Environment Hamilton, where I make sure Hamilton keeps up with Redeemer :P
- Small Group leader, where I get to lead some youngsters (they're pretty much older than me) in our meetings about God; think church, but little
- Small Group Ministries Leader, where I make sure all the people doing that are doing it well
- Outdoors Club, where I get to spend time with Redeemerites and nature... all at once!
- Choir, which we all know is my favorite, where I apparently get to meet my future soprano husband? (come on; we all know I'm marrying a bass)
- Revival Prayer Team Leadership, where I get to make sure that Redeemer students are actively living out their faith... by praying for them
- Deeds Leadership, where I plan short-term missions trips and lead them!
-M.Ed theses, where I am translating correspondences between M.Ed students and administrators in Haiti and Dr. Sider, a professor at Redeemer

Occasionally there are some meals in there, sometimes a bit of sleep. Not too much, but enough!

Deep thoughts.

2008-09-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

It's sad how true this is.

I once sat on a couch with my three best friends, watching a fan go back and forth. It wasn't because we had nothing to say, it was because the fan was more important to us, and at that moment far more interesting than anything we could say.

Side note: they are still my best friends and the distance between us all is pretty hard. I have no doubt, though, that when we get together over Christmas, we will still sit in our comfortable silence.

"Godyssey"

2008-09-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

The addition to Keith's blog in my blogroll is something of which you should all take note. For those of you who have had the privilege of knowing Keith, you know he is an incredible man of God. He is about to embark on an adventure which many Christians only dream about in the latest, darkest and most honest part of the night. Keith is driving South. I don't mean to Windsor, nor to I mean to somewhere in the United States. Keith is taking his little Toyota and driving as far south as one can get. Because he has been called to do so.

Says Keith: "Increasingly my existence is qualified by a mysterious connection of my heart to a supernatural entity that is forever outside of my comprehension and that I fumble to describe. I’ve never seen it and can’t explain it, but it exerts incredible force on a part of me, and in a way which, I don’t understand. But there is intelligence and compassion in it: life. . . personality. It has gained my trust and won my love, even returning it a thousand-fold. It has shown me truth and revealed His face."

Please keep him in your prayers. It is not every day that someone risks all they have for the gospel, especially not in our western world.

How to Save a Life.

2008-08-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Pack up your life
Into boxes and crates.
Go home to an empty house
Which is no longer home.
Unpack your life.
Pack up your life.
Move to a campus
Which is not quite a home.
Full of people
Who are not quite family.
Smile
Study.
Achieve.
Pack up your life
Into boxes and crates.
Move to another house
Which is not quite a home.
Repeat for four years.

Forever is Tomorrow is Today.

2008-08-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm talking about :)

The Weekend Waltz.

2008-08-17T14:55:00.001-07:00

Weekends are always nice. Weekends with with Dan Kikkert and Austin Miedema are tons of fun!

We went to Coffee Culture, where we drank coffee and discussed life.
We went to a concert where Dan played (and played very well!)
We went to a playground and played grounder.
We went to a free BBQ where a certain vegetarian was unhappy.
We went to a convenience store to buy a lot of energy drinks.
We went to the Gateway and played hide-and-seek.
We went to the beach and fought each other after spinning.
We went to the park and discussed life, death, disease and poverty.

I feel as though these boys are like brothers. They remind me of my old band, my old football team, and even my old tenor section. It's nice to be able to be yourself among a group of guys who see you as one of them and not some sex object. Such a blessing.

I'm sitting here now, missing Redeemer very much and getting very excited for the fall. Also, and I am sitting here, I am noticing that my laughing muscles are once again quite sore. :)

GObama!

2008-08-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

As a supporter of Obama (uh-oh, political views!), I've been following the election with crossed fingers for what seems like an eternity. I thought most Christians (even the most conservative) had put their hopes in him with his promise of change and his hopes for peace. I was proven wrong last night.

Erica: 'Barack Obama: Change we can believe in,' Aw, I like that!
Dave: Obama is the anti-Christ

Family Snapshot

2008-08-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

(A song by Peter Gabriel).

My family is strange to say the least. But I love them. Here I present to you my sisters, Lisa (14) and Brookeley (21). Brookeley lives in Ohio with her boyfriend Bryan. Lisa (or Greaseball, as I call her) lives at home. These are my parents. (Kind of). Mom apparently eats in church. She also believes Elvis is alive. Allan used to be a DJ. He has provided me with more musical knowledge than any brain should hold.
These are my grandparents on my mom's side. (Kind of). My Grandpa is silly and wears wigs and army helmets just for fun. He also catches turtles and keeps them as pets for three days. My step-grandma loves to email me funny pictures, videos and stories.
These are my other grandparents on my dad's side. They like to eat pizza a LOT. They have a dog named Scooby and he loves to follow Grandma from the counter to the table over and over again. Grandpa has a slot machine in his office.
This is my "adopted sister" Amber. We lived together and I couldn't live without her. We enjoy fireworks, funny movies, road trips, David Bowie and basically anything we do together.

All This Talk of Getting Old...

2008-08-05T15:30:00.000-07:00

I love music. If you love music, you should find the following five songs and listen to them. They are incredible.

Fall For Anything -- Jeremy Fisher
The Drugs Don't Work -- the Verve
Life Is Beautiful -- Ryan Adams
Hallelujah -- Jeff Buckley
Boats and Birds -- Gregory and the Hawk

As a side note, most of you know by now that I love volunteering. If you were unaware, you now know. In any case, the place where I have chosen to volunteer is the Freeway Cafe. I received a very saddening email this week about some changes about to take place in the coffee house. Due to financial problems, my co-worker Randy will no longer be employed there. He is one of our only two paid employees. He trained me and taught me so much about Hamilton, safe biking and standing for what I believe in. Please pray for him and his family while they make this difficult transition. As well, the Freeway may be forced to close it's doors either permanently or temporarily, as I understand it. Please pray that we will see God's hand in this situation. I truly believe that He values the initiatives behind the Freeway and I know with all certainty that He will take care of us. Thanks for the prayers.

I hope all of you with outdoor jobs enjoyed the rain as much as I did today! :)

PS: Anyone know how to get rid of fruit flies?

It'll All Seem Better Somehow, in Time.

2008-07-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm running out of gas.
I don't like biking to work.
I don't like working 10 hour shifts.
I don't like my current lack of night-life.

But praise God that I have a bike to make work possible.
And that I have a job.
And that I am alive.

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.
-Eric Hoffer

Summer Loving.

2008-07-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've said it before... This house is incredible.
Here are some pictures from our amazing Sunday at the beach...
(Don't mind the rolls... I've worked hard on them and I'm not covering them up with a smelly old one-piece).

Check out Kelsey's and my sweet shorts tans. Yay for outdoor jobs!

It says 'friends'. Yay for friends!

The waves were over our heads!

Just a little bit of roomie love. Sometimes Kelsey keeps me up snoring. Other times we laugh so hard we nearly puke. It's a fair trade.

Tree looks like a sailor :)

Trust me, the ultimate fear on my face in the last one is well-founded.

Living is Simple.

2008-07-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

(Yay for Switchfoot).
I always hear stuff about 'talking the talk' and 'walking the walk'.
In my self-examination, I asked myself how I live out my values.
Here is what I came up with.
I challenge you to do the same!

Peace:

Existing in a state of harmony.

I choose to live peace by creating.

Truth:

Extending honesty, faith and sincerity to reality.

I choose to live truth by writing.

Love:

Passion, friendship, self-sacrifice, affection and desire.

I choose to live love by serving.

Hope:

A belief in a positive outcome.

I choose to live hope by believing.

Justice:

An aversion of inequality.

I choose to live justice by helping.

Beauty:

Positivly reflecting the meaning of one's own existence.

I choose to live beauty by capturing.

Community:

Directing all intent, belief, and resources to the benefit of all.

I choose to live community by volunteering.

Authenticity:

Truthfulness of origins, attributions, commitments, sincerity, devotion, and intentions.

I choose to live authenticity by playing.

You're Barely Scraping By.

2008-07-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

(A line from Dashboard Confessional's song The Places You've Come To Fear the Most.)

Meet Jen.
Jen is a 70-something-year-old regular at the Freeway.
Jen has Paranoid Schizophrenia.
Jen killed her husband a while ago, before her diagnosis.
Jen has a friend who tells her to kill evil people.
Jen gave me a picture of the Freeway tonight, with 'Welcom Erica to the FRWY' written on the back.

Meet Junior.
Junior is a 39-year-old new attendee at the Freeway.
Junior has two children who are 4 and 6.
Junior is not allowed to see his children.
His ex-wife threatens to take them to Mexico if he tries to contact them.
His 6-year-old's birthday was a week ago and I've never seen someone so torn.

Meet John.
John is a 21-year-old homeless man who comes into the Freeway on Mondays.
John never orders anything but a cup of water.
John puts three pennies in the tip jar every Monday.
He has a dream to one day own a ranch where he can offer work to homeless youth.
John sleeps under the stairs at Copps Colliseum.

I wish I could fix everything.
I am learning.

Orange Juice Blues.

2008-07-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Three words: BASEMENT BOB DYLAN.

(Joel rocks my socks).

Darling You're Not Thinking Straight

2008-06-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

Brief Life Updates:
-I have a second degree burn... covering my back. It's very pretty.
-I have a new job, and. I am enjoying it. The teams are sorted by ethnicity and I'm on the Portuguese/Spanish team. With the exception of the one Canadian girl, Amber, who was very lonely before I got there.
-I am already seeing a decline in my english grammar and accent. Oops!

Anyone out here like Imogen Heap? Yes? I am in LOVE with her song "The Moment I Said It" . Posting the lyrics can't truly do the song justice, but I'm not feeling very wordy currently, and trying to describe it would likely not result in you wanting to listen to it. So here are the lyrics. If they intrigue you look it up. 5 Stars.

The moment I said it,
The moment I opened my mouth
Lead in your eyelids,
Bulldozed the life out of me

I know what you're thinking,
But darling you're not thinking straight
Sadly things just happen we can't explain

It's not even light out,
But you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
No I’ve never seen you like this,
And I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it at all

Just put back the car keys,
Or somebody's gonna get hurt
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now
We'll work it all out together,
But we're getting nowhere tonight
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better,
Somehow in time

It's not even light out,
Suddenly (suddenly) oh, you've somewhere to be
With no hesitation
Oh, I've never seen you like this
You're scaring me
You're scaring me
You're scaring me to death
Don't…ohh (smash)
Please don't…ohh (and a-[please] nother one)
Don't…ohh (smash)
Please don't…ohh (and a-[please] nother one)

I'm losing you, I'm losing you
Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling,
Trust me on this one
You're gonna throw it all away
With no hesitation(Smash)

We Are Nowhere and it's Now.

2008-06-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

(Bright Eyes rocks my socks right off).

If you're wondering what's new in my life, my employer hasn't paid me in the month I've been slaving away for him. I'm also planning on reporting him to the Health and Safety Standards committee since we use no safety equipment. However, I need my paycheck first. And then I will be jobless. I'm out of food already lol. Though, I have tons of peanut butter and potatoes. And I went resume dropping with Maryanne today, so we'll see if something turns up. As well, my father and I fought today over his alcoholism. I'm not as upset as I would have expected though, likely because he hasn't been around for a few (read:12) years. And I apparently have to choose between him and my mom and older sister. So I guess I chose my mom and sister. But not on purpose. If I could truly choose, I'd make us all love each other. Oh well! Also, I'm doing a CD exchange with Elle, and soon I get to see the next Star Wars movie in my continuing adventure called "Catching Up to All the Other Youth in Canada".

PS: I love this...

Catfish Blues.

2008-06-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

(B.B. King. 'Nuff said).

"Is that fish still alive??"
-Most common quote heard in our house; referring to any one of our many fish.

The Feel-Good Drag

2008-06-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

(A song by Anberlin, my current band crush).

Most of what David McWane says is hard to read with a smile. I find his writings to be brutally honest, if not pessimistic, and altogether too jaded to enjoy. However I couldn't help but let my mind wander into semi-agreement with him as I read this quote today:

"humanity keeps you in it's grid
with their laws, religions, social expectations,
adverts, healthcare plans, retirement threats,
hight rents, low wages.
with the fear of locals
news whispering to you loudly
and most of humanity
locked up in this grid of today's society
but not all - not the insane
not the crazed
not the drugs users
not the entrepreneurs
the artists
intellectuals
or the fortunate
no, not all of humanity is tamed"

Baby, You're a Rich Man

2008-06-05T06:07:00.000-07:00

(That's by the Beatles. I hope you knew that).

1 Wake-up call: $0.35

2 energy drinks: $6.00
1 Work uniform: $138.00

Getting to work to find the truck isn't running: PRICELESS.

I Wanted to be Anything Different.

2008-05-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

(A lyric from Different, a hauntingly beautiful song by Acceptance)

I have a to-do list. I used to make one at the beginning of every year, but this year I wasn't in the right state of mind to self-analyze. So, after being in a great and exciting place spiritually for a while, I have taken the time to examine myself and see where God wants me to go this year. And so far, this is what has come out of it. Keep me accountable please :)

- Find a long-term volunteer placement
- Cook a fancy meal for my house
- Keep in touch with Nathan
- Attend events both in Hamilton and Grimsby
- Get re-certified for my NLS
- Make a large donation to a cause I support
- Re-unite the "Fab Four"
- Get the Believe tattoo I have always wanted
- Get back to speaking terms with Sarah
- Write a song that I love -- not like
- Bleach my hair
- Healthily eliminate meat from my diet
- Eat a salad grown in my backyard
- Listen to every CD I own again
- Reduce my ecological footprint to 0.4
- Share a message in a formal setting
- Uncover and cultivate my strongest spiritual gift
- Build another drum kit -- smaller
- Create 5 inspired paintings
- Master my guitar
- Inspire somebody

PS: Italics = already done!

Teenage Heartbreak.

2008-05-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

(A song by Eleventyseven).

While driving to a property this week, my co-workers and I saw a young pregnant girl on Barton Street. This is the conversation that followed:

Ashley: Everyone's pregnant nowadays!
Donna: Why?
Ashley: Love.
Erica: Welfare.

Side note: I bought blonde hair dye today...

My Alcoholic Friends.

2008-05-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

(A song by the Dresden Dolls. Awesome lyrics.)

Parties are fun. Two in a row; twice the fun.
Here is a random party tip from Grimsby.

Kraft Dinner is really good when shared between ten best friends.

Grow Up and Blow Away.

2008-05-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

(An album from Metric; worth a purchase if you're into Indie).

I have been very blessed this summer and able to take a step of maturity. I have been able to join a commune and rent a house. This step into adulthood has meant a lot to me. Getting the key from our superintendent, Hank, was one of the premier moments in my life as of now. I realize there are many downsides to this decision. I have been told countless times that the city in which I live is not a safe environment for a young lady to mature in, and I have experienced first-hand the terror of riding the bus alone and getting lost. Yet I have benefited more from this decision than I had expected, especially in lieu of the fact that I have yet to actually contact my potential employer and figure out where and when I should go to work.

Besides the psychological benefits of feeling mature, I have also been blessed enough to experience the rewards of living with more mature people. My dorming experience this year was less than rewarding. Living with five really irresponsible girls often left me in charge of tidying rooms, turning off lights and appliances and washing dishes. The most ridiculous part of all is that I am younger than each and every one of my dorm mates by a year or more. Therefore, it isn’t hard to see why spending a summer with fourth-year students and graduates is shaping up to be a nice experience.

The relief of knowing that dishes and chores will get done is beautiful. Even seeing dishes left in the sink doesn’t bother me, because I know that even if I wash these dishes I am not the only person tidying a mess that is not mine. And I know that often, these guys will clean up my messes. In addition to the beauty of a relatively clean living environment, I get to watch the interactions of mature people– meaning no cattiness. They aren’t clawing at each others' throats, aren’t forming alliances and spreading gossip, and aren’t blaming people for their own errors. In fact, these girls are modeling Christian love to each other in a way that I hope to learn and put into practice this summer and in the future. Even in the midst of disagreements, they are able to put their own feelings aside. It is a beautiful thing, and I am looking forward to the rest of the summer.

Time To Move On.

2008-05-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

(A song by Tom Petty -- super good).
Since I am an expert at moving (I'd say 12 moves can qualify me for that title. I'd hate to be someone who's moved more than that!), I thought I would offer my suggestions for fellow house-shufflers.

1) Boxes don't always save space. Sometimes you need oddly-shaped things to cram into little spots in the van.
2) Sticky tack is NOT better off in a plastic bag. Just trust me.
3) Don't move in the rain if you can help it.
4) Dressers are lighter without the drawers.
5) Drawers can hold things inside them when they are stacked.
6) Hangers don't fit in boxes... unless they are metal and you have the time to bend them all.
7) Pay the housing deposit BEFORE you move in.
8) Buy some food before you move in. you know, in case you can't get to a grocery store for... say... 3 days.
9) Understand that boxes break and bags rip. But laundry baskets are eternal!
10) A phone line and internet connection are good things to set up. Soon.
11) Stealing the neighbor's internet connection is not nice.
12) Especially if you can only get it beside the window that has no view.
13) The longer you spend packing, the less time you will spend unpacking. You pick which one you want to take longer.
14) Having someone help you is always nice.
15) Having more someones to help is even nicer.
Bonus tip:
16) Don't let a metal bed-frame sit against a van window. In case of ... er .... sudden turns.

Give Peace A Chance

2008-04-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Peace Sign,

Happy birthday! This month you turn 50. That's quite impressive, considering I'm seeing you more now than I ever have before. You're an interesting symbol with a compelling history and a bright future. You are recognised throughout the world, seen at every protest and you mean a lot to many people. You express what some words cannot. You appear on signs, buttons and shirts and you are a close friend of mine. Thanks, Peace Sign, for all the memories.

Sincerely, Erica.

You've Made Me So Very Happy

2008-04-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

This is a very good day.
Very good.

1) My laptop came home
2) The weather is beautiful
3) I got to see the house for the summer
4) I fell in love with the house
5) I am an alto in choir
6) Next year is going to be amazing
7) I am learning all about real friendships
8) I realized I have a lot of them
9) I may have a job this summer -- outside!
10) I'm aceing exams left and right

RAD-FREAKING-TASTIC!

Earthquake.

2008-04-04T09:00:00.001-07:00

(My favourite song by the Used... for now...)

I didn't brush my hair today.
I shrunk my shirt in the dryer.
My jeans are dirty.
I have a killer of a cold.
Today two people told me I looked good.

Redeemer, sometimes you rock my socks off!

I Shall Be Free

2008-03-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

(That's a Bob Dylan song -- definitely worth listening to).

The summary of my awesome Easter:
1) Relaxing with my dormie Abby after everyone else had left. This includes listening to hippie music and unplugging everything in the house to save the environment.
2) Downloading a bit of tunage at Coffee Culture and running into a few old friends there.
3) Realizing Grimsby hasn't changed at ALL.
4) Having a staff reunion party with my lovely lady friends from Grimsby Public Library.
5) Going out with my step-dad's side of the family. Singing with my mom, sister and great-aunt too loudly. Getting our waiter, Ron, involved.
6) Hanging out with some old friends I haven't seen in too long. Watching a terrible movie. Eating an entire ice-cream cake.
7) Scaring myself by being alone in an empty dorm. Watching sweet movies.
8) Talking with Ashley on the phone for too long in the morning.
9) Biking to Hamilton and buying new cymbals with Jen.

I hope everyone else had an awesome Easter!

Make Me Smile

2008-03-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

(A song by Chicago). Today, a study on what made me smile today:

Travelling, Memories
Old friends, New friends
Hippie dancing, Hardcore dancing
The 60s, 80s, 90s
Recycling, Compost
Musicals
Painting, Abstracts
David Suzuki
Coffee
Braids, Dread locks
Parties, Concerts
Mismatched socks
Dreams
Prayer
Piercings, Tattoos
Black shirts, Super-bright shirts
Coca cola
Anarchy
Caramel
Jeans with holes
Bikes
Summer, Spring
Pillows, Pillow fights
Office chairs that spin, Office chair races
Shopping carts, Shopping-cart jousting
Coloured lights
Grilled cheese
Guitar, Piano, Drums, Bass
Ethnic jokes, Ethnic diversity
Environmental Science Lab
Crocheted things
Scarves, Sandals
Lemon juice
Jello
Old people, Young people
Puns
Pennies
Sales
Computers
Boxers
Cats
Plaid, Polka-dots, Stripes
Soul patches
BBQs
Eyeliner
Sunglasses
Thunderstorms
Porches, Balconies
Flowers, Weeds
Clean dishes
Red hair
Records, CDs, Tapes
Choir
Music
Peace signs
Jesus

That's all that I smiled about from this morning until now.

Spring Makes My Fever Right.

2008-03-03T13:49:00.000-08:00

(An Elvis Presley lyric).

Happy Spring everybody.

Winter has always been tough for me; I feel trapped, cold and almost always 'under the weather' for the whole season. But when I woke up this morning and heard dripping water that wasn't rain or wet snow...

I couldn't be happier than I was when I sat out on my porch today and listened to Ben Lee.

Happy Spring. Happy happy Spring.
God Bless!

Return. You Were Supposed to Return.

2008-02-28T17:21:00.000-08:00

(That's a lyric from OK Go's "Return", an excellent song).

I'm feeling compelled to share my journal for today. Mainly because I'm feeling compelled to type it instead of write it, but I assume there's a reason for that.

Throughout the past few weeks, our dorm has lost much of the joy and unconditional love that it had at the beginning of the year. It seems that as we grow more comfortable with each other, we grow further apart. Why is this? I doubt I'll ever understand. However, this made the dorm environment less than 'joyful', and less than enjoyable. It got to the point where I would go to the music rooms or Library just to avoid going home.

But on Reading Week, I was blessed enough to be able to go on a tour of Québec and Ontario with Redeemer's Concert Choir. I had been excited for a while, but I had not fully understood what it would mean. I knew there would be a lot of work involved, but I assumed that by the end of the week relationships would have deteriorated much like my dorm. After all, seeing people every moment of every day for a week -- sleeping with them, being on the bus for hours, practicing in small areas, changing side by side, eating with them -- can be fairly grueling.

Words can never express how wrong I was. The people in Redeemer's Choir are unlike any other people I have ever met. Every person, no matter how tired or emotional made time for others. Everyone was joyful all the time. People allowed their toes to be stepped on, and I didn't hear one complaint all week. People showed unconditional love at all times.

I've never felt anything like I felt on choir tour. I haven't grown up in the church like a lot of people here at Redeemer, and my view of Christians has been tainted by a lot of past experiences. But if someone were to ask me to point out someone who truly lives out their faith, I would be forced to point to the other 34 students and 1 director in my Choir.

To be a part of it has been a great blessing... Even if I am just a tenor :)

The Superego, the Ego and the ID...

2008-02-14T07:21:00.000-08:00

I enjoy Psychology class. I also enjoy Freud. In fact, I enjoy a lot of things! Like coffee. I enjoy deep conversations over coffee. I enjoy deep conversations. I enjoy deep conversations about God. I enjoy God!

Last night my dorm and I were discussing whether sarcasm is a good thing or not. One of my dorm mates claimed it is not God-honouring. I claimed that God knows the spirit behind it being a joke.

This led to a deep conversation about whether or not God has a sense of humour (and don't bring up the platypus). I sincerely think, if Jesus Christ were in the flesh among us today he would be the funniest man ever. My friend Abby can see humour in certain parts of the Bible. Like when God claimed it wasn't good for man to be alone. Picture what He was thinking! And when Jesus tells the fishermen to try the other side of the boat. The fisherman must have thought He was insane. But I imagine inside that man was probably killing himself with laughter.

Weblog: web·log (wěb'lôg', -lŏg'), "blog"; n.

2008-02-13T06:46:00.000-08:00

"A website that displays in chronological order the postings by one or more individuals and usually has links to comments on specific postings. " (American Heritage)

I don't like blogs, as a concept. To me, they seem a place to complain and whine. In general, they seem like fairly negative things that waste time and energy.

However, since my New Years' resolution was to journal daily, I thought I might be more likely to hold myself accountable if I knew people were watching.

Even if it turns out that only creepy people and stalkers read this, I will still feel obligated to write. And I will try with all my heart to not waste my time and energy with negative postings.

With that said, my post today will be to share a song that has greatly impacted me this year. I encourage you to look up the song/video. This band has been through a lot and they deserve a lot more credit then they get. No worries if you haven't heard of them, not many people have. But seriously, they are wonderful.

Winter -- by Bayside

When Winter falls
Next year, I'll be holding on
To anything nailed down
As for being patient, with fate and all, it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing
I'm calling all my oldest friends,
Saying "sorry for this mess we're in,"
And I'm waiting, waiting
For the Sun to come and melt this snow,wash away the pain, and give me back control, control.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don't, did we not care?
It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you've done, things you've said.
And it's grounding, grounding.
I've been feeling three feet tall this month,
Hardly indestructible.
But the snow melts, and the rhythm still goes on.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this

These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don't mean a thing with empty hearts, with empty hearts.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You've always meant so much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe this.