Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Perfect Christmas?

I wish I could trade this:

For this:

Sometimes I think Christmas is the worst season of the year for depression and suicides because Hollywood forgets the way so many people end up spending their holidays. While I realize that my situation is not as dire as I see it, I fear the unknown. I fear leaving Redeemer campus with only a few clothes and enough money to bus around. I'm afraid of taking the train somewhere and holding on to the slim chance that a friend will be home and able to take me in. Instead of telling me what my Christmas should look like, I wish Hollywood would show me what it could look like:

Then I might get over myself and enjoy the unknown.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

As I'm Leaving.

It's been a confusing season in my life.

I took on too much this semester. Yes,I am actually admitting it. I had no time for myself. I also had very little time fro a lot of friends. But that doesn't mean I lost all contact with people. I made quite a few new friends this year, and managed to build on the relationships I had, especially with Dan and Austin, who made time for ME. I realized this semester that friendship is a two-way street and it's not always up to me to make the sacrifices.

I lost my grandma this semester, just three weeks ago. Not that I knew her well, mind you, but losing a family member is still a strange feeling. I also missed her funeral, due to my aforementioned busy schedule. As well, my family is very complicated and I knew my presence was needed for some and definitely not needed for others. I'm still not sure how I feel about what I did.

I also realized this semester that I have an irrational fear of all of my friendships peaking and eventually petering off. I can't tell you why I feel like this, or where this fear came from, but for the first time in my life I don't feel my friendships are indestructible. I feel like they are as fallible as I am... and I don't know what to do about it.

I had a lot of rough times this semester, but also a lot of good ones. All in all, I enjoyed myself, but feel as though I have more questions than answers right now.
Next semester I start brand new.