But if you handed me a plane ticket home right now I wouldn't take it. I have no reason to.
Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
-- Sara Bareilles
This trip started out with so much pain and separation and isolation. I had to look for the upsides to everything and it was such a struggle. Traveling was my greatest upside.
|My bike and I having a picnic in Amsterdam|
The more I set out with my bike, backpack and tickets, the more I realize I can't go home. Traveling has changed me. Seeing other sides of my friends has changed me. Realizing what friendship is has changed me. Discovering has changed me.
I miss people. Some more than others, and some so much that it aches. But this year has changed a lot. Many of my jadis friends are no longer. Many of my friends and I have simply fallen out of contact. Many of my friends' lives are changing and I am not there for the change. When I return, I'm likely to not fit the way I used to in this group. There are new significant others, there are marriages and there are break-ups between lovers and friends alike.
Le mode bouge, le monde change [...] et si bien qu'il semble que nous cessons d'être ce que nous étions, qu'au vrai nous ne sommes plus ce que nous étions, et que déjà nous n'étions plus exactement nous-mêmes dans le moment où ces prodiges s'accomplissaient sous nos yeux.
-- Camara Layé
I don't keep many friendships for long. Give someone enough time, and everyone gives you a reason to hate them. That's why traveling is so appealing; you are friends for only a day, a weekend, a week. It's a brief encounter to take away the sting of loneliness. Drop me back into my previous life and I may not even have those brief enounters.
I don't want to go home, but I don't want to be here. I want to run away, hide, get lost, disappear.
That's what's on my mind.
True confession: I sing and dance in the shower.