Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Can I Hold You?

You know how sometimes you try to use the Wi-Fi and it just isn't working, but if you plug in it works fine?  I'm really hoping going home is like plugging in.

But if you handed me a plane ticket home right now I wouldn't take it.  I have no reason to.

Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
-- Sara Bareilles

This trip started out with so much pain and separation and isolation.  I had to look for the upsides to everything and it was such a struggle.  Traveling was my greatest upside.
My bike and I having a picnic in Amsterdam

The more I set out with my bike, backpack and tickets, the more I realize I can't go home.  Traveling has changed me.  Seeing other sides of my friends has changed me.  Realizing what friendship is has changed me.  Discovering has changed me.

Le mode bouge, le monde change [...] et si bien qu'il semble que nous cessons d'être ce que nous étions, qu'au vrai nous ne sommes plus ce que nous étions, et que déjà nous n'étions plus exactement nous-mêmes dans le moment où ces prodiges s'accomplissaient sous nos yeux.
-- Camara Layé
I miss people.  Some more than others, and some so much that it aches.  But this year has changed a lot.  Many of my jadis friends are no longer.  Many of my friends and I have simply fallen out of contact.  Many of my friends' lives are changing and I am not there for the change.  When I return, I'm likely to not fit the way I used to in this group.  There are new significant others, there are marriages and there are break-ups between lovers and friends alike.

I don't keep many friendships for long.  Give someone enough time, and everyone gives you a reason to hate them.  That's why traveling is so appealing; you are friends for only a day, a weekend, a week.  It's a brief encounter to take away the sting of loneliness.  Drop me back into my previous life and I may not even have those brief enounters.

I don't want to go home, but I don't want to be here.  I want to run away, hide, get lost, disappear.

That's what's on my mind.

True confession:  I sing and dance in the shower.

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