Don't Lose Your Nerve

"These are the best days of our lives... it's a terrible thing to know" (Pirate Radio).

Alright, so it sucks to be away from the "family" this year, but this is still going to be a good year.  Because only 5 months separate us, and during those 5 months I'm looking at discovering a lot.  And then I get to come home and have a fantastic (albeit shortened) summer with my fantastic female room mates and with the boys hopefully nearby.  And then I get to finish of Bachelor's Degree Number Two.

Plus, I have had a list sitting on this computer for three years called "Stuff I will do with my best friends" and I've never felt the desire to crack it out... until now.  So hold onto your socks, because in 5 months we are about to have so so many fun times.

There are no life updates, really, so I just wrote what was on my mind.  I spent my weekend shut up in Kathy's apartment with her and Jemima while we hit the books.  I spent my day memorizing the History of the French Society from the Middle Ages until today (only to arrive in class and discover the exam is a week from now. Fail!).  I've spent my evening memorizing details about every painting we studied in Art for the exam tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will memorize everything in my Philosophy course.  Thursday is Rhythm Exam: The Sequel.  Saturday is Grammar.  Monday is History.  Sometime soon thereafter I will write my exam to get into my program for next semester.  And then Italy!  (Also perhaps Germany, and maybe even the Netherlands?)

Besitos!

I Only Wanted To Begin

Our gift exchange this year.

My estimated total amount travel this holiday was 13840 km.

There are too many awesome things about being home for me to even begin to write them

I had a fantastic time.  It's a Christmas holiday that I will never, ever forget.  There are a million highlights,  but a few of them involved knocking things off of my life list:  Watching a lunar eclipse (Dec. 20-21 with Amanda and Meredeth) and watching a sunset and subsequent sunrise (Dec 31-Jan 1 with Adrian).

The moon, fully eclipsed.

But there was more than just an awesome Christmas!

Ringing in the New Year has always been my favourite part of the year.  I love the way it feels when the buzz about resolutions start, and then when party invites get sent out... all the way up to that countdown to which no one can ever sync up properly, I love New Years.  This one was my best one yet.

Toasting in 2011 with Champagne

3...2...1...Happy New Year!

Having started the year as well as I could have ever hoped, I then had to hop on the plane and come back here to France.  Even still, I am looking forward to this year a lot.  I think it's going to be pretty good. 

As always, here are my resolutions this time around:
1.  The name of my year is the Year of Discovery.  (If this makes no sense to you, email me and ask).
2. I will maintain a flexitarian diet, maintain a healthy sleeping schedule and be able to run 5k non-stop by the end of the year.
3. As I am discovering 'myself', I will work on expressing 'myself' by means of art, music, writing, photography and meditation.
4.  I will make a conscious effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-image.
5.  I am committed to 10 specific friendships with my whole being and will work on them all year. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

That secret that you know.

Every year I set New Years Resolutions. I know that many people don't believe in them, but I think that having annual goals is a really good idea. This year, my fifth resolution was this:

“My understanding of 'love' and 'guilt' and how they impact my daily life will become a part of who I am in a positive light” (January 1).

I thought it would be interesting, now that the year is wrapping up, to look back through my journal from this year (resolution number two!) and see how I've worked to develop an understanding of love. I've pulled a few quotes from the year and I am surprised at how my understanding really did grow over this year.

“For Christians, the single command is to love. The Bible says there is nothing without love and that we are nothing without love. The Bible says that we are not lovers of God if we are not lovers of man. [...] Love isn't the main thing God calls people to do, it is the only thing” (January 23).

I think one of my strongest pulls towards love at the beginning of this journey was knowing that I was called to it. I had no desire to be labeled as 'loving'; I knew I was supposed to. And I really struggled with it!

“How do I show love when I don't always feel so loving?” (February 5).

Another deep struggle of mine this year was developing a healthy self-image and learning to love myself.

“If I don't love myself, how am I supposed to love anyone else?” (March 14).

One of the best mediums through which I learned about love this year was my friendships. Living at West House and spending my time with people I truly loved and felt loved by was an amazing experience. 

“I've never loved any group of people as much as I love this 'family'” (May 1).

In the summer, I began to wrestle through the inherent weaknesses in love.  It really struck me how closely related love and guilt were, and it took a lot of deep conversations with my friends to work through this.

“Love is both mankind's most desirable strength and our greatest downfall and weakness. On one hand, we would be nothing without it. On the other, it makes us weak, vulnerable and predictable. Yet our only purpose is to love: our created longing is to attain our strongest and weakest trait” (June 7).

As my trip approached, I began to develop an unshakable anxiety.  I was afraid to lose the grip I had developed on love and was anxious that my friendships wouldn't last.

“Is Ben Gibbard right when he says 'love is watching someone die'? Who will be with me, I wonder?” (July 12).

After leaving, loneliness and I became fully acquainted.  I then realized how much loneliness and love have in common. 

“Loneliness is the strongest force which drives my philosophy of self, home and love” (September 30).

As I had more time to reflect, I came to understand that love is not essential 'because God says so'; it is essential because our souls demand it.  We were created to be beings in relation with one another.  Love is something you cannot exist without.

“I need to love and be loved” (October 9).

The longer I spent away from my new-found sources of love, the more I came to understand the glory of love.  The other revelations I had had regarding love still stood, but there was something more in my understanding now.  Love is scary, but it is worth it.

“Love and desire are tough. They can hurt and ruin and burn. But they are good and they can be absolutely amazing if you work hard at them” (November 4).

Finally, the lesson on love that I learned this month brought everything together.  This month, I learned that I am loved.

“I wish I knew how to show as much love as I've been shown. I truly have the best friends on earth. If there was ever a year to try and understand love, this has certainly been the one” (Dec 7).

I had a dream that I...

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited." — Sylvia Plath

All I Want For Christmas is Vous

For the past three days, it has been snowing in Paris.  Presumably, if you are reading my blog, you know me well enough to know that I detest the snow.   I absolutely abhor the cold.  I generally hibernate during the winter season.  But for some strange reason, this year, there is a warm glow in my heart when I think about Christmas...

For the last few years, my Christmases have been less than joyful.  The birth of my Saviour is overrun with lights and commercialism, and it breaks my heart.  For the past few years have also found myself in a season of loneliness.  Add the cold on top of that, and you nearly always get one miserable girl.

So what makes this year different?

My friends -- the best friends anyone could have ever hoped for -- have decided that they want me to be with them for Christmas.  And they have gone far beyond simply stating that desire.  They have actually decided to go in together and get me home.  That's right: that ridiculously overpriced holiday ticket from Paris to Toronto?  That is my present this year. 

And that is why I was overjoyed to see snow in Paris this week.  And that is why I am watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas right now.  And that is why I  have had an unshakable smile for the last week!

It was for freedom, from myself and from the land.

I believe there is a reason for time-outs.  Isolation and solitude can be like meditation for the soul.  When you are alone in your surroundings, you are forced to connect with them and to connect with yourself.

“None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

One-way tickets are keys to unlocking secret corridors in your heart.
  
Enter accountability.  All of a sudden, there is no one else to blame.  There are no character flaws that are not your own.  There is no one to watch your bag, no one to take a picture of you, and no one to lend you a jacket.  You become the sole person to blame for anything you do wrong.  And by traveling alone, you learn to accept responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions.  So to speak, you begin to design your own life.

Enter independence.  You are no longer the sum of your possessions, accomplishments and friends.  You are just you.  You learn to embrace the solitude you are given and learn how to direct your own life's coming and going as only you see fit.

Enter self-analysis.  Our generation adores the idea of 'finding oneself'.  But until you see how the world sees you outside of your own little bubble, you never can.  But when you're alone -- truly alone -- you become able to see yourself through new eyes.  Your old scars become exposed to new light.  Your character flaws begin to come to light.  You are able to learn who you are.

Enter self-understanding.  When you are alone, away from all the familiar sights, smells, tastes and relationships, you are no longer an actor portraying who you have become.  You are stripped bare of the expectations of your family and friends and you can finally learn how you see yourself.  You can finally learn what makes you happy and what simply does not. 

Enter hope.  When you have analyzed, understood, been independent and held yourself accountable, the next step seems to always be looking to the future.  Suddenly, the world stops getting in your way and you can look at the future for its everythingness and nothingness all at once.

Enter love.  When you are alone, you must learn to love yourself, in spite of or even because of all your quirks and faults and flaws.  And once you learn to love yourself, you become suddenly capable of loving others.  And loving love itself.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.”
--Mary Anne Radmacher Hershey

By being alone, you finally discover that you were what you were searching for.

Don't Let Your Soul Get Lonely

Lonliness sucks.

It doesn't matter that every day I am surrounded by people. Right now I am writing so furiously that my elbow is bumping the wrist of the lady next to me. It doesn't matter that I have things in common with people here. In fact, this poor lady is attempting to enjoy the same drink that I've let turn cold beside me on the window sill. It doesn't matter that I've made enough acquaintances that I'm never without someone to say hello by name.

What matters right here, right now, is that these people are not my friends. They are not the people I know inside and out. They are not the people I stay up to talk to all night. They are not the people I can make pancakes for to persuade them to wake up and watch cartoons with me. They are not the people who made me embrace nerdy card games.  And I don't want to let them become that to me, because in 7 months I'll have to leave them behind.

And while I'm forced to be here, my friends are all back home, together. Still staying up and eating pancakes and playing cards. And it only gets harder. Because back home, alongside my friends are other people who are doing these things with them who don't know them or love them like I do. And because back home, my friends have too much on their plates to be able to hold contact. And because back home, my world is going on perfectly happily without me.

Tout et depuis toujours, nous rêvons le même rêve. Et ce que nous pensons être la vie – et que nous considérons comme étant « notre vie » -- n'est rien de plus qu'un roman écrit par personne. Mais si personne n'est l'auteur de notre rêve commun, pourquoi le rêvons-nous? Et, surtout, pourquoi le rêvons-nous ensemble?

-- Edgar Kosma

Yet, there is a collectivity to my loneliness, as paradoxical as that sounds. Because at times, this lady gets lonely, even with the comfort of her Grande Latte Caramel Noisette. (Ok pause: This drink is seriously really good). And at times, people with my friends are feeling lonely.

Sometimes someone steps back and sees how short life is and realizes that they don't know themselves and that they don't know anyone else or anything at all, and they feel lonely.

So yeah, loneliness sucks.  And no, it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. But at the very least, it gets accepted.