I had a dream that I...

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited." — Sylvia Plath

It was for freedom, from myself and from the land.

I believe there is a reason for time-outs.  Isolation and solitude can be like meditation for the soul.  When you are alone in your surroundings, you are forced to connect with them and to connect with yourself.

“None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

One-way tickets are keys to unlocking secret corridors in your heart.
  
Enter accountability.  All of a sudden, there is no one else to blame.  There are no character flaws that are not your own.  There is no one to watch your bag, no one to take a picture of you, and no one to lend you a jacket.  You become the sole person to blame for anything you do wrong.  And by traveling alone, you learn to accept responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions.  So to speak, you begin to design your own life.

Enter independence.  You are no longer the sum of your possessions, accomplishments and friends.  You are just you.  You learn to embrace the solitude you are given and learn how to direct your own life's coming and going as only you see fit.

Enter self-analysis.  Our generation adores the idea of 'finding oneself'.  But until you see how the world sees you outside of your own little bubble, you never can.  But when you're alone -- truly alone -- you become able to see yourself through new eyes.  Your old scars become exposed to new light.  Your character flaws begin to come to light.  You are able to learn who you are.

Enter self-understanding.  When you are alone, away from all the familiar sights, smells, tastes and relationships, you are no longer an actor portraying who you have become.  You are stripped bare of the expectations of your family and friends and you can finally learn how you see yourself.  You can finally learn what makes you happy and what simply does not. 

Enter hope.  When you have analyzed, understood, been independent and held yourself accountable, the next step seems to always be looking to the future.  Suddenly, the world stops getting in your way and you can look at the future for its everythingness and nothingness all at once.

Enter love.  When you are alone, you must learn to love yourself, in spite of or even because of all your quirks and faults and flaws.  And once you learn to love yourself, you become suddenly capable of loving others.  And loving love itself.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.”
--Mary Anne Radmacher Hershey

By being alone, you finally discover that you were what you were searching for.

Don't Let Your Soul Get Lonely

Lonliness sucks.

It doesn't matter that every day I am surrounded by people. Right now I am writing so furiously that my elbow is bumping the wrist of the lady next to me. It doesn't matter that I have things in common with people here. In fact, this poor lady is attempting to enjoy the same drink that I've let turn cold beside me on the window sill. It doesn't matter that I've made enough acquaintances that I'm never without someone to say hello by name.

What matters right here, right now, is that these people are not my friends. They are not the people I know inside and out. They are not the people I stay up to talk to all night. They are not the people I can make pancakes for to persuade them to wake up and watch cartoons with me. They are not the people who made me embrace nerdy card games.  And I don't want to let them become that to me, because in 7 months I'll have to leave them behind.

And while I'm forced to be here, my friends are all back home, together. Still staying up and eating pancakes and playing cards. And it only gets harder. Because back home, alongside my friends are other people who are doing these things with them who don't know them or love them like I do. And because back home, my friends have too much on their plates to be able to hold contact. And because back home, my world is going on perfectly happily without me.

Tout et depuis toujours, nous rêvons le même rêve. Et ce que nous pensons être la vie – et que nous considérons comme étant « notre vie » -- n'est rien de plus qu'un roman écrit par personne. Mais si personne n'est l'auteur de notre rêve commun, pourquoi le rêvons-nous? Et, surtout, pourquoi le rêvons-nous ensemble?

-- Edgar Kosma

Yet, there is a collectivity to my loneliness, as paradoxical as that sounds. Because at times, this lady gets lonely, even with the comfort of her Grande Latte Caramel Noisette. (Ok pause: This drink is seriously really good). And at times, people with my friends are feeling lonely.

Sometimes someone steps back and sees how short life is and realizes that they don't know themselves and that they don't know anyone else or anything at all, and they feel lonely.

So yeah, loneliness sucks.  And no, it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. But at the very least, it gets accepted.

Discretion's Not What I Need to Sell.

Quote of the year... courtesy of Personality Psychology and Dr. Hackney.
"The Hackney Dirty Slut Index: On a scale of prude to hooker, where would you place yourself?"

Marvelous.
Simply marvelous!

Just Last the Year.

It disturbs me that sometimes people actually don't WANT love/peace/joy/friendship/simplicity/honesty.
They'd rather raise hell.
They'd rather be right.
They'd rather cause problems.
They'd rather get attention.

...

Disturbing.

If the World Was How it Should Be Maybe I Could Get Some Sleep.

To describe my night tonight, I would sound as though I was beginning a "Jew walks into a bar" joke...
Question:
What happens when a male, Dutch, Christian engineer; an Indian, male, Muslim engineer; a native, female, Buddhist philosopher; a male, Dutch, Christian philosopher and a Spanish, female, Christian psychologist gather at a University for 5 hours?
Answer:
Fun shenanigans!
Seriously though, for a group of near-strangers, we all had an amazing time tonight. After making a single-serving friend at the computer across from me, I felt wholly fulfilled. I had no idea I would make two more! We met up at Mac, where I had been doing research in the Library with Dan. Dan's best friend from home, Jon, was there, along with a friend from his program, Mohammad, and his friend, Danielle. We met up at Bridges, the Vegetarian restaurant on campus, where we talked about everything from nymphomania, to how randomness can never truly exist. After the restaurant closed, we moved to the campus commons building (for those who haven't been to Mac, Redeemer's closest equivalent would be if you mixed Williams, the quad, and the Rec Center) and continued to discuss things like God, sex, music, structural integrity of buildings, conspiracy theories, rapists, serial killers, and infomercials... to name a few topics. Granted, I have a midterm tomorrow and five papers due in three days next week, so I shouldn't have spent my time as such... But in the end, I believe it was worth it for the uplifting (and extremely comical) conversation.