See the World Hanging Upside Down

Working working, always working.  I miss traveling and school, but the world is not a place where such things are free.  

While I can't travel too far off the beaten path, for Thanksgiving, Peter and I escaped to Belvedere -- the proverbial Eden of my childhood.  

Located close to Ellicottville, NY, Belvedere is a quiet patch of land owned by my grandparents.  For as long as I can remember, Belvedere has been at the forefront of my list of favourite places in the world. 

Belvedere's beautiful pond

Going up the ski hill!

The breath-taking view

We found awesome hats!

As for schooling, while my formal education is taking a hiatus, I am not missing out on my favourite type of education; books that change your life.  My top three picks of the books I read this past month are as follows:

3. Girl With Curious Hair (David Foster Wallace)

On the stripped bed- neatly littered with papers and cards, my notecards, a decade of stenography to Lyndon- lay my lover, curled stiff on his side, a frozen skeleton X ray, impossibly thin, fuzzily bearded, his hand outstretched with dulled nails to cover, partly, the white face attached to the long form below the tight clean sheets, motionless, the bed flanked by two Servicemen who slumped, tired, red, green.

2. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Haruki Murakami) 

 Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person's essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?

1.  The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)

  The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body.The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?

We Frolicked About in our Summer Skin

This seems to happen every summer; getting all caught up in the adventures of this wonderful season, I forget to update my blog.

Brief life updates include an upcoming promotion at work, a new man, a great new-found group of friends at work, and a trip through northern Ontario and Quebec.

Northern Ontario is something to behold.  Canada is already, in my mind, a raw and untouched land.  We Canadians have a connection to the earth unlike most other citizens of the world.  The most beautiful things I have seen in my 21 years are scattered throughout the world, are both tangible and theoretical, are confusing and intriguing, and are melancholic and delightful... one of these things is the northern township of Temagami.  Below are some quick shots of this beautiful place.

Just Wanted to Know If I Could Go Home

Sorry for my ultimate failure to update lately!

My life has been insane as of late.  Here are some brief updates.

I went to England for my last weekend of backpacking, to meet up with the boys from Vienna.  I can summarize the trip in one photo:

Camdentown, hookah, 4 miserable Jews and myself.

And one video:


After that, I was back in Paris for a few hours; enough to empty my studio entirely, and spend a night in debauchery and tears of goodbye with the beautiful people I met there

Table one

Table two

 Saying goodbye is hard.  It's especially hard if you are uncertain whether you'll ever see some of these people again.










But goodbyes are beautiful, too.  Because in the same way that death is what gives value to life, goodbyes are what give value to hellos. 










With any luck, I'll be backpacking again Easter of 2012.  That is, assuming the world hasn't ended.

Definitely going to miss this crowd

 

Meanwhile, I've been lucky enough to meet the best people I could have ever imagined possible to meet.  And I get to share so much joy and enlightenment with my friends back home for a little while.

The future doctors <3

Massive shoutouts to the people who made this trip a wonderful experience.  Above all: Lynette Van de Hoef, Rachel Stevenson, April Larochelle, Martha Maris, Maria Noorloos, Jemima Dickinson, Larissa Gare, Gemma King, Christina Ammon, Nicolas Sanchez, Bram Van Beek, Paula Molz, James Lloyd, Hayden Lawn, Remi Piriou, Kara Abernethy, Liz Rosenberg, Darren Helstowski, Aidan Kenny and Liam Kerry.  I've never been happier than in the company of any of those people.

Shoutouts also to the best of friends ever, and especially those who kept in touch with me from back home: Amber Lepine, Adrian Vander Vaart, Jill Van Ryn, Amber Burns, Jess Crandall, Elle Rombough, Amanda Fraleigh, Rich Oosterloo, Natalie Campbell, Chad Haverkamp, Dan Kikkert and Austin Miedema.

Some congrats are also due!  Upon my return, I was in a wedding for one of my dearest friends.  Congrats to Elle and Lael and many, many blessings.  Nathan and Janelle, some of my favourite people ever, also tied the knot this May, the day after James and Katie, some of my oldest friends.  Congrats to all three beautiful couples!

James and Katie

Nate and Janelle

Elle and Lael

Those are essentially all of my life updates for now.  I've moved into my fantastic new apartment in Hamilton, am working off the debts that I acquired this year, and am planning to take a year off to work (and travel, of course) before returning to Europe to complete the PhD.

Stay tuned!

So Irritating

In the past two days I have watched two crimes happen to my friends, one was only attempted and the other was sadly successful.  Even though I've posted general tips for travelers, I thought perhaps I should post ways to avoid specific crimes. 

Crime Number One:  Ring Trickers
This is more common and successful than you think.  Generally, a Romani woman (for simplicity's sake I'm going to use the term 'gypsy' henceforth) stands in a tourist place waiting for ladies to pass by.  When they do, she drops a ring and then "finds it" for you.  After that, several things can happen.  Often, she will simply rob you while you look at.  Other times, she will offer it to you as a gift and then try to charge you for it. 
Best avoidance technique: This one's hard, because you'll be caught off-guard.  I have a very nice diamond ring, and the first time I saw this I asked myself "was I wearing that ring today?".  Ignoring simply won't happen; it's too unnatural.  Most likely she will be quick enough to at least show you the ring.  My best avoidance maneuver has been to knock the ring out of her hands and run. 

Crime Number Two: Petition Wavers
This one gets really annoying.  In the span of five minutes I've been approached three or more times on several occasions.  Essentially, younger gypsy girls approach you with a petition to sign.  You can tell them apart because rather than ask for a moment of your time, they simply stick the clipboard under your face and wave the pen close to your eyes.  Two known consequences of this crime are either (a) they manage to pickpocket you while you're trying to see what you're signing, and (b) you unknowingly sign it and it turns out to be a contract stating you'll pay them $___.
Best avoidance technique:  It's been fairly easy to simply run away from these girls, but on a few occasions they've followed me and gotten forceful.  In that case, my best technique has been grabbing the pen out of her hand and throwing it behind me (the most successful escape was when I did that while simultaneously knocking her clipboard to the ground). 

Crime Number Three: Cash-Machine Creepers
Yesterday's failed crime was at an ATM.  My friend and I were headed to a cafe to study for exams, and she needed to take out some money before going.  I saw two suspicious-looking gypsy kids approaching from behind, and even though we were bigger than them, aware of what they were doing, and in the midst of cancelling the transaction for protection, they still attempted this.  Essentially, these kids wait until you've punched in your pin, and then use all force possible to take your money as it comes out.  Yesterday they tried hitting my friend in the face with a newspaper, and we were fortunate that was all the force they tried.  I've heard horror stories of much, much worse.
Best avoidance technique: Even though we would have won a fist-fight, I can honestly say that even I couldn't simply hit a child.  That's why most of these kids succeed.  Try your best just to avoid the situation all together: don't take out cash alone, be attentive to them if they look like they're going to approach, and hit cancel immediately if they do come up to you.  If the worst happens, your best measure here is to yell for help and hang on to your cash for dear life.  We yelled for help yesterday and a lovely older gentleman pushed the kids off of us.

Crime Number Four: Bracelet Makers
Another surprisingly successful scam.  I've found that these men are often not Romanis, but of French-African descent.  They usually work in groups and are centered around areas from where tourists take pictures.  They find any sort of way to reach your hand (asking you to point to something, asking you to see your hand, simply grabbing it... if you're caught off-guard nearly anything will work) and in less than a few seconds, they've made a string bracelet around your wrist.  Then they tell you that you've purchased it and owe them $___.
Best avoidance technique:  Saying no doesn't work.  Walking away doesn't work.  These men are persistent and often violent.  If you see men holding string coming towards you, run away.  If, however, he manages to catch you in his trap, get angry and scream at him.  Rip off the bracelet, cause a scene; show him that you, too, are violent, and that you have the law (and all surrounding citizens) on your side.  It seems like it will just escalate the situation, but these guys get enough people out of fear and persistence that they're not going to deal with a crazy person.  It worked for me in Paris.

Crime Number Five: Map Questers
Having spent a lot of my life being a tourist, this crime enrages me.  I have legitimately been lost and needed help before, and so I always help people when they ask for it.  In this trick, someone approaches you and asks for directions.  Sometimes, it's not a trick.  Sometimes, they steal from you and run while you're left standing and pointing out the corner they need to turn at.
Best avoidance technique: Seriously, as a plea on behalf of people like me who tour a lot and are bad with maps, answer people on the street who need help.  That being said, never ever ever help someone without first taking a strong hold of your bag.  It takes a bit of training, but this should become your second-nature.

Crime Number Six: Table Approaches
Today's successful crime really blew me away.  I was eating lunch with a group of five other girls, all of whom you would call world travelers and big-city girls (Melbourne, Cologne, San Fransisco, New York, Toronto and Ottawa).  And yet, even though we knew what was happening, our reaction time was too slow and one of my friends lost her iPhone to two gypsy girls.  I still cannot believe it.  These people come up to you while you're eating and distract you in some way.  They work in teams and use a paper or something to block your view of whatever they're taking.  Today, we launched towards the purses and kept them safe, without realizing the iPhone was on the table under their blank blue pages.
Best avoidance technique: Besides being generally aware of where your stuff is, the best maneuver here is to rip the papers out of their hands and yell.  The owner of the restaurant will come and will probably help you if they managed to get anything, and by grabbing the papers you'll throw them off-guard as well.

Crime Number Seven: Item Borrowers?
Do you have a cigarette?  Lighter?  Tissue?  Euro?  I've heard them all. 
Best avoidance technique: Say no.  Don't be polite, don't be kind and don't ever open your bag.  Hold tight to your position and get loud if you need to.

I know some of these seem mean or over-dramatic, but it's often what it takes.  You'd be surprised how persistent and even violent some of these criminals can be.  It's hard, but don't forget that they are committing a crime.  Not to mention that -- assuming you're in my financial position of school debts -- they likely have more money than you do!  Don't let pity get in the way of keeping yourself safe.  Life can be tough for these kids, but life's not easy for anyone and it's not impolite to keep your own stuff safe from crime.

It Sounds Like Someplace I'd Like to Go

Before I began my female solo backpacking travels, I tried to look up some tips on what to expect.  (It's a scary world for a young lady traveling alone in a strange place!). I wanted to find some previous female travelers who had traveled alone and who had some good advice.  My search was widely unsuccessful.  Perhaps females are less likely to travel alone, but I hope to see more embracing this in the future -- it really helps you grow and it's just an awesome experience.  Of the 14 (soon to be 15) countries I visited this trip, only two of them were with other people.  And I managed to stay safe the entire time besides a near-robbery in Amsterdam.  So I would like to offer the tips I've collected these past 8 months. 

1.  Stay in mixed dorms.
Say what?  Yes, I really do mean this one.  Why?  I have several reasons!  Firstly, girls tend to travel in groups, whereas boys tend to travel alone.  If you stay in a mixed dorm, you'll have a higher chance of making a single-serving friend who will accompany you for a while.  And to be wholly honest, nothing bad happens between fellow travelers.  It's some sort of mutual dependence and acknowledgment of loneliness and fear, and it's a beautiful relationship, I assure you.

2.  Don't sleep on trains.
This also seems like an odd tip, as it is quite efficient to travel and sleep at the same time; it leaves you more time in a city to "see the sights".  But this really can be dangerous!  You can sleep through your stop.  Or you could awaken to find your bag stolen.  Least likely, but most frighteningly, you could be harmed in any number of ways.  Just don't risk it.  Besides, hostels are fantastic.

3.  Be careful with alcohol.
This seems like a simple rule, but I also really want to encourage you to enjoy the nightlife of a city (cities are so different between the day and the night -- you really need to experience both!).  So simply seek a balance.  If you find yourself entirely alone, limit your alcohol intake to one or two.  If you are with a single-serving friend, however, you can let loose a little bit.  Understand that this takes a bit of mutual trust and it can be scary to put your faith in others, but I enjoyed Berlin and Bratislava so much simply because I was able to let loose and dance with some amazing guys I had met in each city.  I trusted them 100%, and in both cases everything was perfectly fine.  That all being said, I caution you to nonetheless know your limits and stick to them.  Mutual trust and understanding or not, no traveler wants to drag you back to your hostel if you're getting sick or you're unconscious.  It ruins the night for everyone.

4.  Don't put all your money in your wallet.
Some people feel it's a good idea to carry only one wallet to which you will cling with your dear life.  I, however, feel the opposite.  I carry a small burlap sac and in there I place the majority of my cash.  It sits in the bottom of my big backpack.  In my handbag I only carry a wallet with a few bills (usually what I have planned to spend that day).  Why?  If someone took either bag, I would be upset.  However, this way, I have enough in case of either bag being stolen. 

5. Look tough.
I know this can be difficult if you don't look tough naturally.  I am lucky to be relatively tall (except in the Netherlands!) and relatively... stocky...  I manage to look relatively threatening if need be.  If you are short, thin and blonde, this may be difficult.   But try your best, especially if you feel threatened.  Put on your "walking face", set a quick and assured pace and make everyone believe you have been traveling solo since birth. 

6.  Learn English.
Admittedly, since I am writing in English, I can assume this one is already mastered.  But I really do believe that mastering English is more important than learning pieces of the language in each country through which you might pass.  It's really tough to learn 15 (or more) languages, and you likely won't succeed.  So instead, learn what you can for some countries, (I've found French, German and Spanish to be the three most helpful) and then embrace the use of English in the rest.  It really is the traveler's language right now.  If you happen to have the gift for learning languages, try to pick up 'please', 'thanks', and 'hello' in every place you visit; you'll make the world a little brighter. 

7.  Write it down.
7(a): get a journal and use it daily.  Contrary to popular belief, you actually will forget a lot of this experience.
7(b): write down your addresses, train station names, hostel names... anything to which you may need directions should be written down.  This way, you can show it to people instead of trying to pronounce it with an assuredly horrific accent.

8. Don't take cabs.
I adored Central-Eastern Europe.  But my greeting to Budapest was terrible: a 48€ cab ride that lasted less than 5 minutes.  (This was exceptional.  After wandering for a few hours I realized I wasn't going to find my hostel.  I tried to question the man's abuse, but he refused to cede, and I walked away knowing full-well this would cost me a meal or two down the road).  Financially they are a poor choice, and sometimes they give you a terrible prejudice of the city.  Just don't take a cab. 

9.  Embrace the corners.
Need to snap a picture?  Step into a corner.  Need to look at the map?  Back into a corner.  Need to tie your shoe?  Lean into the corner.  Waiting for someone?  Worried about theft?  Feeling tired?  It's impolite to take up the whole sidewalk, and it's safer to have your back against a wall than out in the open, especially if your attention is focused elsewhere. 

10.  Be able to run.
Here we arrive at the worst-case scenarios.  In Amsterdam, I had to chase a thief through the whole of Centraal Station to rescue my wallet, computer power cord and camera.  I am not a big runner, but having frequented the Parc Monceau just prior to that trip, my fitness level was able to hold out just longer than his.  Chasing thieves, running away from creepy people, or even trying to get a train before it pulls away... you will be glad for even the slightest hint of training beforehand.

Happy adventuring, ladies!  I hope to see more of you out and about on the road when I head up to the United Kingdom!

Change For You

I'm going to attempt to do the impossible here.  I'm going to try and sum up my most recent backpacking adventure; Easter in Eastern-Central Europe.

The outskirts of Dresden, Germany.

My adventure began in Germany.  I have been through Germany several times now, and I can honestly say it is my favourite country that I've visited. The highlights of my passage through Germany include my single-serving friends Paula and John and hitch-hiking along the gorge from Dresden to Deciv (Czech Republic).

Hiking along in Deciv

A rarely seen view of Prague

After my epic adventure, I eventually arrived in Prague.  I adored this city because of its incredible views and sights.  I felt very welcomed by the Czech people, even though I can't say a bloody thing in their language, and I received smiles everywhere I went.  The currency currently used in the Czech Republic, the Czech Crown, is 1/26th of a Euro, and I didn't make a single purchase that was more than 100 Kc.  Not to mention that some really excellent beers have come out of this country, and that they are sold in a grocery store for 15-20 Kc per bottle (which is a half-litre).  Absolutely fantastic!
 
I next headed to Slovakia.  When I told people I was going there, most of them just asked "why??", and I started to regret the idea of going there.  But Bratislava was awesome! 

Bratislava -- the view from the top

I met some of the coolest people there, enjoyed the small-town feel (imagine finding that in a capital city!), and found myself partying with locals instead of with other tourists.

 

The city and the Danube

Rémi and I atop the mountain in Budapest

After Slovakia, I took a train into Hungary's nearby capital, Budapest, on the advice of a classmate, Christina.  Besides being constantly confused by the exchange rate, I loved Budapest through and through.  I met up with Rémi (a travel buddy from Bratislava) again, and we took it slowly in this city.  We enjoyed long breakfasts, taking our time in cafés, reading Baudelaire in the parks and seeing the many lovely buildings on both sides of this geographically-divided city.   On my last night in the city, we met up with an American girl, Kara, who was on vacation from her studies in Spain.  Together we went out on the town, stumbled across a karaoke bar, and spent the evening singing every ridiculous song we could in both English and Hungarian.

The famous Chain Bridge sparkling at night

Aidan, Liam and I in Vienna

My last stop this time around was Austria.  I was pretty worn out and not looking forward to the awkward process of making friends again, but I really lucked out in Vienna.  I met some of the most interesting and unique people possible, two of whom are officially my favourite single-serving friends to date.  If you ever have the chance to travel with these boys do it.  Together we took on the city of Vienna, seeing the "sights", frightening tourists, officiating a marriage ceremony and generally causing a ruckus.

One of Vienna's many "sights"

After an uneventful train ride back to Paris, I've fallen back into my normal routine of coffee-thesis-coffee-thesis.

Seminary Soul

True Confession #5: I think Jean-Jacques Rousseau was uninformed, sexist and stupid.  I think his writings were useless and I hate when he is idealized as some sort of "politician" or "philosopher" or "curriculum developer".

It feels good to have that out there.  I really really dislike him.

In recent news:  I am almost at the end of my backpacking adventure.  I don't think there is enough money left to leave Paris again, and since I return to Canada in just over a month, I may just stay in France.  We'll see.  Reflections on this ridiculously awesome trip and travel tips coming soon.

Beer for Breakfast

I am, in fact, Canadian, and therefore have a love affair with beer. Last summer there was little that I enjoyed more than sitting on Adrian's porch late into the summer evening, fighting off the mosquitoes and polishing off the last of a two-four. Or celebrating with Amber after a long week of pruning and weed-whacking. Or bringing case after case out of the cars upon our arrival for camping.

In Canada, it is not hard for me to list my favourite beer; it has been the same one since high school and likely won't change.

Mill Street Organic. Locally brewed, in Toronto, and the smoothest, most refreshing summer taste known to man. And, in the words of best-friend-Jess: “You would drink an organic beer”.

However, my time in Europe has convinced me that there are even more awesome beers out there. And whether you're a close friend of mine awaiting our trip down to Chester's to find these beers, or a stranger heading out on a trip around Europe, these are the beers you should check out, the ten best of my Euro-trip:

1. Kronenberg – France. I will truly miss this beer when I return. It's very similar to Mill Street Organic in taste, and smooth enough that my friends who don't like beer also enjoyed it! Santé!
2. Grolsch – Netherlands. You will note that Heineken didn't make the list. I don't like Heineken. I did, however, really enjoy Grolsch. It has a fresher taste than Heineken, and I saw more Dutch people drinking it and less tourists. Best kept secret perhaps? Gezondheid!
3. Beck's – Germany. I enjoyed this beer so much that I raced to write it down. It was introduced to me by the two Australian boys I met in Berlin, who had purchased a case the night before. It's a crisp-tasting and mellow pilsner, and would be best consumed in the middle of the summer. Prost!
4. Struis – Netherlands. The darkest beer to appear on my list, this is a 9% brew that I tried in Amsterdam. Although I usually prefer lighter beers, I would drink this one over and over again. As hearty as a dish of stamppot, and as dark as I take my coffee.  And it's not pronounced the way you're thinking, I assure you, so good luck ordering it! Proost!
5. Krušovice – Czech Republic. There's no surprise that a Czech beer made my list, since they are the biggest beer consumers in the world. Most tourists head to Prague and seek out a Pilsner Urquell, but I really recommend this one instead. It's a 5% beer with a pretty dry taste and only feels mildly carbonated. Na zdraví!
6. Krombacher – Germany. I don't think I'm alone in proclaiming the greatness of this beer. I had it on my hitch-hiking adventure from Dresden to Dečiv (Czech), offered to me by a fellow traveler out of his backpack. For me, this beer will always taste like mountains, rivers, adventures and fun, but if you want something more specific, I would say it's quite bitter and spicy with a very dry taste and an aftertaste that lasts forever. Prost!
7. Grottenbier – Belgium. I tried this beer on second time passing through Brussels. It tastes like Springtime. At 7%, it's lighter-tasting than you would expect. The taste is hard to describe, besides employing the word 'unique'. I'll try: the taste is fairly dry, but there are unexpected flavours of dark fruits and herbs and the aftertaste is very sweet. Op uw gezondheid!
8. Mahou – Spain. Purchased for me at a nightclub, I tasted this little guy and immediately called it an atrocidad. But then I went to a tiny Casa de Tapas and tried it there, and I want to formally defend the reputation of this poor beer. It's light, it's soft, it's sweet and it has no aftertaste. Sounds horrible? Try it with food instead of at a nightclub. The best complimenting beer I've ever tasted! Salud!
9. Zlatý Bažant – Slovakia. My number one tip here is to not try to keep up with the Slovaks, who drink like they don't want to live. But if you have the chance to go to Bratislava, go out on a Friday and drink as many pints of this beer as you can handle. I was told by one Slovak that the beer was 5%, and by another that it was 12%. Judging by the taste, I'd guess 5%, but judging by our Friday night in Bratislava, I'd guess 12%. It has a pretty full taste, no bitterness to mention (but no fruitiness either) and no real aftertaste. Na zdravie!
10. Brauhaus Nussdorf – Austria. A local brew, and I'm told it's found only at certain bars. My advice is to seek it out! It's quite pure tasting, and had very little aftertaste. It wasn't bitter, but it wasn't sweet either. It was a crsip, clean “beer” taste all the way through. Zum Wohl!

Enjoy!

It’s Times Like These You Learn to Live Again

Writing is liberating.  Writing is informative.  Writing is creative.  Writing is beautiful.

I love to write.  Not just on my blog; I promise you I have deeper thoughts than the value of celery.  I love to write poems, awful though they may be.  I love to write in my journal, not simply by recounting the events of the day, but also by wrestling through my deepest thoughts and worries. 

"Writing is a form of personal freedom.  It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us."
-Don Delillo

Without my journal, I would never remember the discoveries I have made this year.  Without my journal, I would probably never be able to keep calm on the outside when I'm really terrified, nervous, anxious or upset.  My journal allows me to set goals and track their progress, to confess my errors and to confront my darkness.  I call it my "confession to no one", and write it in all of my languages to ensure that it remains forever my own. 

There is no gift I've enjoyed receiving more than my various journals.  I think there is something so poignant about the gift of a set of thick papers, bound with a carefully planned design to set apart this journal from any other.  The pages are blank and are begging to be filled.

Travling Bratislava, I met a young man named Rémi.  We talked about the beauty of a journal.  He recalled the very first journal he ever received, and says that to this day he can picture it where it was sitting, waiting to be opened. 

Why is it so powerful of a gift?  To me, the blank pages waiting to be filled are a metaphor for life.  Each one is waiting to be filled and only you can do so.  And later, when you look back on those pages, only you will remember the feelings, just like reminiscing about your history. 

True Confession #4:  I honestly just think Cézanne sucked at painting, not that he was a creative pioneer.

PS:  This is my 100th blog post!

Please leave a light on for me.

True confession #3:  I have Siderodromophobia...

Ok, not so much the cartoon ones.

...but I'm working on it!

On the way to the Czech Republic.

Can I Hold You?

You know how sometimes you try to use the Wi-Fi and it just isn't working, but if you plug in it works fine?  I'm really hoping going home is like plugging in.


But if you handed me a plane ticket home right now I wouldn't take it.  I have no reason to.

Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
-- Sara Bareilles

This trip started out with so much pain and separation and isolation.  I had to look for the upsides to everything and it was such a struggle.  Traveling was my greatest upside.

My bike and I having a picnic in Amsterdam

The more I set out with my bike, backpack and tickets, the more I realize I can't go home.  Traveling has changed me.  Seeing other sides of my friends has changed me.  Realizing what friendship is has changed me.  Discovering has changed me.

Le mode bouge, le monde change [...] et si bien qu'il semble que nous cessons d'être ce que nous étions, qu'au vrai nous ne sommes plus ce que nous étions, et que déjà nous n'étions plus exactement nous-mêmes dans le moment où ces prodiges s'accomplissaient sous nos yeux.
-- Camara Layé

I miss people.  Some more than others, and some so much that it aches.  But this year has changed a lot.  Many of my jadis friends are no longer.  Many of my friends and I have simply fallen out of contact.  Many of my friends' lives are changing and I am not there for the change.  When I return, I'm likely to not fit the way I used to in this group.  There are new significant others, there are marriages and there are break-ups between lovers and friends alike.

I don't keep many friendships for long.  Give someone enough time, and everyone gives you a reason to hate them.  That's why traveling is so appealing; you are friends for only a day, a weekend, a week.  It's a brief encounter to take away the sting of loneliness.  Drop me back into my previous life and I may not even have those brief enounters.

I don't want to go home, but I don't want to be here.  I want to run away, hide, get lost, disappear.

That's what's on my mind.

True confession:  I sing and dance in the shower.

Les Fleurs du Mal

The sun has been shining in Paris lately, and the weather has been hovering around 10 degrees for the last little while.

All the flowers appearing remind me of work.  I miss work.  I want to go back.  I want to wake up too early in the morning, stand in the warm sunshine for a full day, and cut the flowers all summer.  I want to chat all day with my work mates.  I want to attempt my limited Punjabi and work on my Portuguese.  I want to make a fool of myself trying to joke around in Spanish.  I want to weed-whack around the pond and enjoy the presence of our great blue heron. I want it dearly.

The warmth reminds me of Redeemer and how I can lay on my stomach for hours in the quad, looking for clovers, eating licorice and chatting with everyone who passes by.  I miss walking around Hamilton barefoot and not worrying what I look like.  (This carefree attitude doesn't exist in Paris, trust me).

A lot of the joy that I've found before in schoolwork has been missing this year.  I love my classmates, and I enjoy my classes, but I'm finding it difficult to sit down and read Baudelaire, or write a thesis statement.  This is beyond odd for me -- it is downright horrifying.  Which author can capture my heart and soul, if not Baudelaire?  Who am I, if not the Academic?

That being said, I have had of late a big smile on my face too many times to forget.  Most of it revolves around going out with the previous classmates, or getting to know the new ones.  Some of it revolves around the trees budding and the flowers blooming.  A good deal of it revolves around the ridiculously hilarious things my room mate says.  I am very thankful for a lot this year, and I truly am enjoying myself.  but there is still that dull ache of being ready.  Ready to go home, ready to start work, ready to feel grass under my bare toes again.

Come Over Here Baby

My monthly challenge for February was to write a poem everyday.

Most of them were terrible.  But a few were quite successful, at least in conveying what I felt at the time.  I'm certainly not a poet, but I enjoy writing them nonetheless.  It is a very good thing that I chose free verse; I can't stick to a rhythm/rhyming pattern for the life of me!  Here are my favourites.  Incidentally, they are also the shortest ones.

Feb. 3, "Divergence"

I cannot help but to change
When I see all new sites
And hear all new sounds
Or climb to new heights
Or step below ground

 Feb. 8, no title

Venice is sinking, she sighed,
As lovers flee to Paris.
Soon, all of this will be nothing.
And she hoped to be far away.

Feb. 15, no title

To be intelligent
Is to live and die
As Prometheus

To be intelligent
Is to exist as a wolf
Among the sheep

Feb. 18, Piano Keys

That look
It was mine
For so many days,
Hours, years.
But I am blind,
So how could I know?

Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away

I have 100 days left in this adventure of mine.

I have extremely mixed emotions on the subject.

Ah! Seigneur!  Donnez-moi la force et le courage de contempler mon coeur.
-- Charles Baudelaire

- Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

- Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

Firstly, I want to return.  I miss my friends and my family.  I miss having a kitchen and a bathroom of my own, and I miss the big, beautifully vast space that is Canada.

Secondly, I don't want to return.  I have made some amazing friends here and I can neither imagine leaving them -- some of them forever -- nor imagine living far away from them all.

Thirdly, I want to return.  I want to return to the way things used to be between my friends and I.  I want to be there for the joys and the sorrows.  I want to be able to chat mindlessly on summer evenings, have someone to cry with in the spring, be able to fight for what I believe is right in the winter, and return to my coffee dates for autumn.

Fourthly, I don't want to return.  Larissa and I were discussing it this weekend; on one hand, going home is like going back in time.  Your friends are all together, listening to the same music, dealing with the same problems, wearing the same clothes.  But on the other hand, it's like flying back in time and ending up in the wrong place.  Because while things are all the same for your friends, for the last year they have all walked together along a path on which you haven't been present. And they have all grown together and you have diverged.

There is nothing like returning to place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
-- Nelson Mandela

And lastly, I no longer know what is 'home'.  Am I returning home, or leaving another home?

How Cavalier We Used to Be

It was over 15 degrees in Paris this week.  Before that, I was in Italy with some sunshine and warmth.  I've been out dancing late into the nights and sleeping in on the weekends.  It all makes me excited for the summer.

I'm spending this summer the way I really want to.  Sunshine and working hard all day, spending my evenings doing whatever I want.

Also, I had my graduation ceremony from the Sorbonne.  It was awesome, and I got to keep my hat and gown.  So far, the hat has been involved in dancing and eating at Subway.  I think I've earned the right to wear it wherever and whenever I want, including public places.

Note to friends:  you may not want to be caught in public with me for the next few weeks until the novelty wears off!

Somewhere Out There

I promised I would discover this year.

I'm well on my way, kicking off the year with my trip to Berlin, where I've discovered that I make single-serving friends easily, that I am fully independent and capable, and that the human capacity for evil is horrifying.

I'm also discovering the difference between liking something, and loving something.

The difference is in value.

Our generation likes music.  We lust after it's possession, talking about how big our 'library' is, or how many bands we've seen live.  Our generation likes travel.  We like to talk about how many cities we've been to, and we like to advertise that as much as we can.  Our generation also likes popularity.  If our world used to be about 'knowing thyself', it has now become about 'showing thyself' in the best-laid-out-and-most-unique-and-interesting-Facebook-account-possible.

But what does our generation value?  Value is intrinsic to the claim of love, because you had to part with the potential of something else in order to access this thing you love. 

I heard someone say this week "I love music too much to pay for it".  Sounds right at first, right?  It did... but then I thought about it.  That's not love.  That's like.  Or maybe even lust.  If you love music, you value it.  It's no longer about having as much music as you can on you iPod, but about valuing the music that you actually have.  When was the last time you sat down and listened to an album.  Like actually listened to it. Question part two: did you even pay the artist and record label for that album?  I have a suggestion.  If you love music, I want you to delete uTorrent, pick up an album that you actually have to pay for, sit down with a glass of wine and no distractions and listen to it from start to finish.  That, my friends, would be valuing and ergo loving music.

How about travel?  It's a little different of an approach, but it hurts me to hear people say "I've been to Brussels" when they really just passed through the train station.  Now I know that time is a precious commodity in our world.  And in order to see the most of the world, you'd only be able to pass through a lot of places.  But maybe valuing travel intrinsically carries with it a humility in knowing that you will never "see the world".  And maybe valuing travel means taking a month out of your life to spend in only one country.  Perhaps time, like money in the music example, needs to be sacrificed in order for your love of travel to truly exist.

As for popularity, it's a mix of money, time and emotion -- what I would submit is the third "most valuable commodity" in our world.  When I say popularity here, I don't mean getting a high count of friends on your Facebook.  I mean genuinely investing yourself in your relationships.  Valuing your friends by putting them above other aspects of your life.

I know that our world is flawed, and that it's hard to truly love things.  But in my journey of discovering, the one lesson I've come across time and time again is that love is, and always has been the only solution to any problem.

So next time you say you love something, make sure you hold true to that commitment.

If All We Are is Dust ...

Last night I went out with my class.  Best night ever!  I tried hard not to make friends and get attached here; it happened regardless.  Also, everything good happens after 2am.

The other Redeemer girls arrived today.  Lynette and I showed them around our quartier.  It's so bizarre that they are here!  We've been talking about 'when the girls come' for so long, I find it strange to know that our time here is now halfway over.

I leave Saturday for Germany and then Italy.  I have no real itinerary and most of the trip isn't even booked yet.  It is terrifying, but it's going to help me discover a lot about myself and about the world.  Likely it will raise more questions than answer, but what's life without questioning?

A Juxtaposition of Art and War

Wanderlust.

It has to end sometime, right?  Eventually the Rootless put down roots, right?

The problem is, the Rootless have been taught to test the waters, the soil, the wind conditions and the company wherever they go.  And they have been taught suspicion.  And, sadly, you can always find a problem with something if you look hard enough.

So how do the Rootless know when they can put down their roots?  Never.

Enter, once again, wanderlust.

Don't Lose Your Nerve

"These are the best days of our lives... it's a terrible thing to know" (Pirate Radio).

Alright, so it sucks to be away from the "family" this year, but this is still going to be a good year.  Because only 5 months separate us, and during those 5 months I'm looking at discovering a lot.  And then I get to come home and have a fantastic (albeit shortened) summer with my fantastic female room mates and with the boys hopefully nearby.  And then I get to finish of Bachelor's Degree Number Two.

Plus, I have had a list sitting on this computer for three years called "Stuff I will do with my best friends" and I've never felt the desire to crack it out... until now.  So hold onto your socks, because in 5 months we are about to have so so many fun times.

There are no life updates, really, so I just wrote what was on my mind.  I spent my weekend shut up in Kathy's apartment with her and Jemima while we hit the books.  I spent my day memorizing the History of the French Society from the Middle Ages until today (only to arrive in class and discover the exam is a week from now. Fail!).  I've spent my evening memorizing details about every painting we studied in Art for the exam tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will memorize everything in my Philosophy course.  Thursday is Rhythm Exam: The Sequel.  Saturday is Grammar.  Monday is History.  Sometime soon thereafter I will write my exam to get into my program for next semester.  And then Italy!  (Also perhaps Germany, and maybe even the Netherlands?)

Besitos!

I Only Wanted To Begin

Our gift exchange this year.

My estimated total amount travel this holiday was 13840 km.

There are too many awesome things about being home for me to even begin to write them

I had a fantastic time.  It's a Christmas holiday that I will never, ever forget.  There are a million highlights,  but a few of them involved knocking things off of my life list:  Watching a lunar eclipse (Dec. 20-21 with Amanda and Meredeth) and watching a sunset and subsequent sunrise (Dec 31-Jan 1 with Adrian).

The moon, fully eclipsed.

But there was more than just an awesome Christmas!

Ringing in the New Year has always been my favourite part of the year.  I love the way it feels when the buzz about resolutions start, and then when party invites get sent out... all the way up to that countdown to which no one can ever sync up properly, I love New Years.  This one was my best one yet.

Toasting in 2011 with Champagne

3...2...1...Happy New Year!

Having started the year as well as I could have ever hoped, I then had to hop on the plane and come back here to France.  Even still, I am looking forward to this year a lot.  I think it's going to be pretty good. 

As always, here are my resolutions this time around:
1.  The name of my year is the Year of Discovery.  (If this makes no sense to you, email me and ask).
2. I will maintain a flexitarian diet, maintain a healthy sleeping schedule and be able to run 5k non-stop by the end of the year.
3. As I am discovering 'myself', I will work on expressing 'myself' by means of art, music, writing, photography and meditation.
4.  I will make a conscious effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-image.
5.  I am committed to 10 specific friendships with my whole being and will work on them all year. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!