Come Over Here Baby

My monthly challenge for February was to write a poem everyday.

Most of them were terrible.  But a few were quite successful, at least in conveying what I felt at the time.  I'm certainly not a poet, but I enjoy writing them nonetheless.  It is a very good thing that I chose free verse; I can't stick to a rhythm/rhyming pattern for the life of me!  Here are my favourites.  Incidentally, they are also the shortest ones.

Feb. 3, "Divergence"

I cannot help but to change
When I see all new sites
And hear all new sounds
Or climb to new heights
Or step below ground

 Feb. 8, no title

Venice is sinking, she sighed,
As lovers flee to Paris.
Soon, all of this will be nothing.
And she hoped to be far away.

Feb. 15, no title

To be intelligent
Is to live and die
As Prometheus

To be intelligent
Is to exist as a wolf
Among the sheep

Feb. 18, Piano Keys

That look
It was mine
For so many days,
Hours, years.
But I am blind,
So how could I know?

I Only Wanted To Begin

Our gift exchange this year.

My estimated total amount travel this holiday was 13840 km.

There are too many awesome things about being home for me to even begin to write them

I had a fantastic time.  It's a Christmas holiday that I will never, ever forget.  There are a million highlights,  but a few of them involved knocking things off of my life list:  Watching a lunar eclipse (Dec. 20-21 with Amanda and Meredeth) and watching a sunset and subsequent sunrise (Dec 31-Jan 1 with Adrian).

The moon, fully eclipsed.

But there was more than just an awesome Christmas!

Ringing in the New Year has always been my favourite part of the year.  I love the way it feels when the buzz about resolutions start, and then when party invites get sent out... all the way up to that countdown to which no one can ever sync up properly, I love New Years.  This one was my best one yet.

Toasting in 2011 with Champagne

3...2...1...Happy New Year!

Having started the year as well as I could have ever hoped, I then had to hop on the plane and come back here to France.  Even still, I am looking forward to this year a lot.  I think it's going to be pretty good. 

As always, here are my resolutions this time around:
1.  The name of my year is the Year of Discovery.  (If this makes no sense to you, email me and ask).
2. I will maintain a flexitarian diet, maintain a healthy sleeping schedule and be able to run 5k non-stop by the end of the year.
3. As I am discovering 'myself', I will work on expressing 'myself' by means of art, music, writing, photography and meditation.
4.  I will make a conscious effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-image.
5.  I am committed to 10 specific friendships with my whole being and will work on them all year. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

That secret that you know.

Every year I set New Years Resolutions. I know that many people don't believe in them, but I think that having annual goals is a really good idea. This year, my fifth resolution was this:

“My understanding of 'love' and 'guilt' and how they impact my daily life will become a part of who I am in a positive light” (January 1).

I thought it would be interesting, now that the year is wrapping up, to look back through my journal from this year (resolution number two!) and see how I've worked to develop an understanding of love. I've pulled a few quotes from the year and I am surprised at how my understanding really did grow over this year.

“For Christians, the single command is to love. The Bible says there is nothing without love and that we are nothing without love. The Bible says that we are not lovers of God if we are not lovers of man. [...] Love isn't the main thing God calls people to do, it is the only thing” (January 23).

I think one of my strongest pulls towards love at the beginning of this journey was knowing that I was called to it. I had no desire to be labeled as 'loving'; I knew I was supposed to. And I really struggled with it!

“How do I show love when I don't always feel so loving?” (February 5).

Another deep struggle of mine this year was developing a healthy self-image and learning to love myself.

“If I don't love myself, how am I supposed to love anyone else?” (March 14).

One of the best mediums through which I learned about love this year was my friendships. Living at West House and spending my time with people I truly loved and felt loved by was an amazing experience. 

“I've never loved any group of people as much as I love this 'family'” (May 1).

In the summer, I began to wrestle through the inherent weaknesses in love.  It really struck me how closely related love and guilt were, and it took a lot of deep conversations with my friends to work through this.

“Love is both mankind's most desirable strength and our greatest downfall and weakness. On one hand, we would be nothing without it. On the other, it makes us weak, vulnerable and predictable. Yet our only purpose is to love: our created longing is to attain our strongest and weakest trait” (June 7).

As my trip approached, I began to develop an unshakable anxiety.  I was afraid to lose the grip I had developed on love and was anxious that my friendships wouldn't last.

“Is Ben Gibbard right when he says 'love is watching someone die'? Who will be with me, I wonder?” (July 12).

After leaving, loneliness and I became fully acquainted.  I then realized how much loneliness and love have in common. 

“Loneliness is the strongest force which drives my philosophy of self, home and love” (September 30).

As I had more time to reflect, I came to understand that love is not essential 'because God says so'; it is essential because our souls demand it.  We were created to be beings in relation with one another.  Love is something you cannot exist without.

“I need to love and be loved” (October 9).

The longer I spent away from my new-found sources of love, the more I came to understand the glory of love.  The other revelations I had had regarding love still stood, but there was something more in my understanding now.  Love is scary, but it is worth it.

“Love and desire are tough. They can hurt and ruin and burn. But they are good and they can be absolutely amazing if you work hard at them” (November 4).

Finally, the lesson on love that I learned this month brought everything together.  This month, I learned that I am loved.

“I wish I knew how to show as much love as I've been shown. I truly have the best friends on earth. If there was ever a year to try and understand love, this has certainly been the one” (Dec 7).

Be a part of an institution, lead the way in a revoloution.

I realized yesterday that I am going to need a year off after school just to swallow and process all the information I will have absorbed during my 5-year long adventure in Bachelor of Arts with an Honours French Major, Psychology Minor and Bachelor of Education.

I love my house. I live with some of the best guys around; Richard, Kevin, Corey, Chad and Nathan, as well as my stellar roomie Amanda. Two weeks ago at devos, we spent all night making jokes about Richard making porn and Corey being a pedophile. This week at devos we spent almost two hours discussing whether Deedz was doing God’s work or not. Just based on the fact that we can be laughing in both of those discussions means that I have found a crowd I can fit into, have fun with, grow with and learn from. I think that is as good as it gets.

One of my goals for this school year is to have 100 coffee dates. So far I have managed to squeeze in 5. I'm so excited for all of these coffee dates. So many people here are so amazing and have a lot of wisdom to offer.

Apparently many people from my school no longer believe in short-term missions. Anyone who doesn’t believe in short-term missions needs to move past “numbers” and “results” and look up God’s commandment to take care of the widow and the orphan. I’m pretty sure He didn’t specify how long we had to spend with them to ‘take care’ of them. And I’m also pretty sure He didn’t tell us to ensure “results”. And how can we measure efficiency, change or worth? Certainly not the way He measures efficiency, change or worth.

Everyone who thinks choral music is lame should listen to Crucifixus by Lotti and O Magnum Mysterium by Lauridsen.

Today was “Random Act of Chocolate Day”, in the world of my I.T. Boss. Score!

When it's Not Worth Dying For

This has been quite the time...

After naming my year the "Year of Accountability" I got to fight through mess after mess of defining accountability and judgment, being held accountable, and holding others accountable. Though I'm grateful for the lessons of the year so far, I'm hoping it's a little smoother sailing as I move into my third year at Redeemer.

I learned a lot about people by stirring the pot in our little faith community, that's for sure. When people feel that their way of life is threatened, I find there are two basic reactions; they either consider the validity of this new viewpoint, or they automatically declare it wrong and fight back viciously. I think that as Christians we need to be careful of this. God has called us to correction, and yet we have to be sure we are being corrected and not led astray. It reminds me of the song 21 Guns, by Green Day (honestly, I love this group and really appreciate their honest lyrics) which asks "Do you know what's worth fighting for?"

This year was tough, because only some people took correction very well, and even took it upon themselves to correct me on my own failings. Moments like these made me glad to be a Christian. (Not to mention I ended up with a boyfriend out of the deal, who just may be the greatest guy on earth). However, there were some people that refused to consider correction and lashed out in every way possible against this threat to their way of living. There were times when I was confused because I didn't even know who was fighting against me, and there were times where I was afraid because I felt everyone was fighting against me.

Luckily, though, I made it through the year relatively unscathed. This year (which is still the "Year of Accountability" until New Years) will hopefully pick up in a very different place than it left off.

I Wanted to be Anything Different.

(A lyric from Different, a hauntingly beautiful song by Acceptance)

I have a to-do list. I used to make one at the beginning of every year, but this year I wasn't in the right state of mind to self-analyze. So, after being in a great and exciting place spiritually for a while, I have taken the time to examine myself and see where God wants me to go this year. And so far, this is what has come out of it. Keep me accountable please :)

- Find a long-term volunteer placement
- Cook a fancy meal for my house
- Keep in touch with Nathan
- Attend events both in Hamilton and Grimsby
- Get re-certified for my NLS
- Make a large donation to a cause I support
- Re-unite the "Fab Four"
- Get the Believe tattoo I have always wanted
- Get back to speaking terms with Sarah
- Write a song that I love -- not like
- Bleach my hair
- Healthily eliminate meat from my diet
- Eat a salad grown in my backyard
- Listen to every CD I own again
- Reduce my ecological footprint to 0.4
- Share a message in a formal setting
- Uncover and cultivate my strongest spiritual gift
- Build another drum kit -- smaller
- Create 5 inspired paintings
- Master my guitar
- Inspire somebody

PS: Italics = already done!

Weblog: web·log (wěb'lôg', -lŏg'), "blog"; n.

"A website that displays in chronological order the postings by one or more individuals and usually has links to comments on specific postings. " (American Heritage)

I don't like blogs, as a concept. To me, they seem a place to complain and whine. In general, they seem like fairly negative things that waste time and energy.

However, since my New Years' resolution was to journal daily, I thought I might be more likely to hold myself accountable if I knew people were watching.

Even if it turns out that only creepy people and stalkers read this, I will still feel obligated to write. And I will try with all my heart to not waste my time and energy with negative postings.

With that said, my post today will be to share a song that has greatly impacted me this year. I encourage you to look up the song/video. This band has been through a lot and they deserve a lot more credit then they get. No worries if you haven't heard of them, not many people have. But seriously, they are wonderful.

Winter -- by Bayside

When Winter falls
Next year, I'll be holding on
To anything nailed down
As for being patient, with fate and all, it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing
I'm calling all my oldest friends,
Saying "sorry for this mess we're in,"
And I'm waiting, waiting
For the Sun to come and melt this snow,wash away the pain, and give me back control, control.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don't, did we not care?
It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you've done, things you've said.
And it's grounding, grounding.
I've been feeling three feet tall this month,
Hardly indestructible.
But the snow melts, and the rhythm still goes on.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this

These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don't mean a thing with empty hearts, with empty hearts.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You've always meant so much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe this.