Les Fleurs du Mal

The sun has been shining in Paris lately, and the weather has been hovering around 10 degrees for the last little while.

All the flowers appearing remind me of work.  I miss work.  I want to go back.  I want to wake up too early in the morning, stand in the warm sunshine for a full day, and cut the flowers all summer.  I want to chat all day with my work mates.  I want to attempt my limited Punjabi and work on my Portuguese.  I want to make a fool of myself trying to joke around in Spanish.  I want to weed-whack around the pond and enjoy the presence of our great blue heron. I want it dearly.

The warmth reminds me of Redeemer and how I can lay on my stomach for hours in the quad, looking for clovers, eating licorice and chatting with everyone who passes by.  I miss walking around Hamilton barefoot and not worrying what I look like.  (This carefree attitude doesn't exist in Paris, trust me).

A lot of the joy that I've found before in schoolwork has been missing this year.  I love my classmates, and I enjoy my classes, but I'm finding it difficult to sit down and read Baudelaire, or write a thesis statement.  This is beyond odd for me -- it is downright horrifying.  Which author can capture my heart and soul, if not Baudelaire?  Who am I, if not the Academic?

That being said, I have had of late a big smile on my face too many times to forget.  Most of it revolves around going out with the previous classmates, or getting to know the new ones.  Some of it revolves around the trees budding and the flowers blooming.  A good deal of it revolves around the ridiculously hilarious things my room mate says.  I am very thankful for a lot this year, and I truly am enjoying myself.  but there is still that dull ache of being ready.  Ready to go home, ready to start work, ready to feel grass under my bare toes again.

Come Over Here Baby

My monthly challenge for February was to write a poem everyday.

Most of them were terrible.  But a few were quite successful, at least in conveying what I felt at the time.  I'm certainly not a poet, but I enjoy writing them nonetheless.  It is a very good thing that I chose free verse; I can't stick to a rhythm/rhyming pattern for the life of me!  Here are my favourites.  Incidentally, they are also the shortest ones.

Feb. 3, "Divergence"

I cannot help but to change
When I see all new sites
And hear all new sounds
Or climb to new heights
Or step below ground

 Feb. 8, no title

Venice is sinking, she sighed,
As lovers flee to Paris.
Soon, all of this will be nothing.
And she hoped to be far away.

Feb. 15, no title

To be intelligent
Is to live and die
As Prometheus

To be intelligent
Is to exist as a wolf
Among the sheep

Feb. 18, Piano Keys

That look
It was mine
For so many days,
Hours, years.
But I am blind,
So how could I know?

Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away

I have 100 days left in this adventure of mine.

I have extremely mixed emotions on the subject.

Ah! Seigneur!  Donnez-moi la force et le courage de contempler mon coeur.
-- Charles Baudelaire

- Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

- Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

Ah! Seigneur! donnez-moi la force et le courage - De contempler mon coeur et mon corps sans dégoût!

Source : Citations de Charles Baudelaire - Dicocitations ™ - citation

Firstly, I want to return.  I miss my friends and my family.  I miss having a kitchen and a bathroom of my own, and I miss the big, beautifully vast space that is Canada.

Secondly, I don't want to return.  I have made some amazing friends here and I can neither imagine leaving them -- some of them forever -- nor imagine living far away from them all.

Thirdly, I want to return.  I want to return to the way things used to be between my friends and I.  I want to be there for the joys and the sorrows.  I want to be able to chat mindlessly on summer evenings, have someone to cry with in the spring, be able to fight for what I believe is right in the winter, and return to my coffee dates for autumn.

Fourthly, I don't want to return.  Larissa and I were discussing it this weekend; on one hand, going home is like going back in time.  Your friends are all together, listening to the same music, dealing with the same problems, wearing the same clothes.  But on the other hand, it's like flying back in time and ending up in the wrong place.  Because while things are all the same for your friends, for the last year they have all walked together along a path on which you haven't been present. And they have all grown together and you have diverged.

There is nothing like returning to place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
-- Nelson Mandela

And lastly, I no longer know what is 'home'.  Am I returning home, or leaving another home?

How Cavalier We Used to Be

It was over 15 degrees in Paris this week.  Before that, I was in Italy with some sunshine and warmth.  I've been out dancing late into the nights and sleeping in on the weekends.  It all makes me excited for the summer.

I'm spending this summer the way I really want to.  Sunshine and working hard all day, spending my evenings doing whatever I want.

Also, I had my graduation ceremony from the Sorbonne.  It was awesome, and I got to keep my hat and gown.  So far, the hat has been involved in dancing and eating at Subway.  I think I've earned the right to wear it wherever and whenever I want, including public places.

Note to friends:  you may not want to be caught in public with me for the next few weeks until the novelty wears off!

2+2=5

Do you ever feel like you are watching life instead of living life?  Like you're watching a movie and yelling at the main lead "Don't go down the stairs!" and they go regardless?  (And deep down, you knew they would).  Like you can see the ending some miles away, and you know there are no plot twists or heart-felt character transformations?  (Like you're watching a movie made for children).
Why?

Today, I watched Donnie Darko.  When Donnie reveals that he has learned "every living thing dies alone", the doctor asks him how it made him feel.  I answered "relieved" (as though she had asked me).
Why?

Somewhere Out There

I promised I would discover this year.

I'm well on my way, kicking off the year with my trip to Berlin, where I've discovered that I make single-serving friends easily, that I am fully independent and capable, and that the human capacity for evil is horrifying.

I'm also discovering the difference between liking something, and loving something.

The difference is in value.

Our generation likes music.  We lust after it's possession, talking about how big our 'library' is, or how many bands we've seen live.  Our generation likes travel.  We like to talk about how many cities we've been to, and we like to advertise that as much as we can.  Our generation also likes popularity.  If our world used to be about 'knowing thyself', it has now become about 'showing thyself' in the best-laid-out-and-most-unique-and-interesting-Facebook-account-possible.

But what does our generation value?  Value is intrinsic to the claim of love, because you had to part with the potential of something else in order to access this thing you love. 

I heard someone say this week "I love music too much to pay for it".  Sounds right at first, right?  It did... but then I thought about it.  That's not love.  That's like.  Or maybe even lust.  If you love music, you value it.  It's no longer about having as much music as you can on you iPod, but about valuing the music that you actually have.  When was the last time you sat down and listened to an album.  Like actually listened to it. Question part two: did you even pay the artist and record label for that album?  I have a suggestion.  If you love music, I want you to delete uTorrent, pick up an album that you actually have to pay for, sit down with a glass of wine and no distractions and listen to it from start to finish.  That, my friends, would be valuing and ergo loving music.

How about travel?  It's a little different of an approach, but it hurts me to hear people say "I've been to Brussels" when they really just passed through the train station.  Now I know that time is a precious commodity in our world.  And in order to see the most of the world, you'd only be able to pass through a lot of places.  But maybe valuing travel intrinsically carries with it a humility in knowing that you will never "see the world".  And maybe valuing travel means taking a month out of your life to spend in only one country.  Perhaps time, like money in the music example, needs to be sacrificed in order for your love of travel to truly exist.

As for popularity, it's a mix of money, time and emotion -- what I would submit is the third "most valuable commodity" in our world.  When I say popularity here, I don't mean getting a high count of friends on your Facebook.  I mean genuinely investing yourself in your relationships.  Valuing your friends by putting them above other aspects of your life.

I know that our world is flawed, and that it's hard to truly love things.  But in my journey of discovering, the one lesson I've come across time and time again is that love is, and always has been the only solution to any problem.

So next time you say you love something, make sure you hold true to that commitment.

If All We Are is Dust ...

Last night I went out with my class.  Best night ever!  I tried hard not to make friends and get attached here; it happened regardless.  Also, everything good happens after 2am.

The other Redeemer girls arrived today.  Lynette and I showed them around our quartier.  It's so bizarre that they are here!  We've been talking about 'when the girls come' for so long, I find it strange to know that our time here is now halfway over.

I leave Saturday for Germany and then Italy.  I have no real itinerary and most of the trip isn't even booked yet.  It is terrifying, but it's going to help me discover a lot about myself and about the world.  Likely it will raise more questions than answer, but what's life without questioning?